12 beers a day

I’m not one to find dates off the internet. [By dates I mean girls who fellatio me.] Some guys use this method as a means to an end, and by end I mean they get laid, contract an std, go through years of therapy, and have their wallet stolen. So in honor of those men, I bring you the top 5 reasons why you should not look for a girlfriend on craigslist. And by reasons I mean I am going to post girls “Want” ads and make fun of them for your amusement.

***Ed. Note - These are real ads and pics that I took off craigslist - Atlanta.

1. I’m mad I love a laugh, hate being made to shut up - 19 (atlanta)

Right, I love to laugh, hate being made to shut up and am generally very good at making an absolute fool of myself. I love swimming and horse riding of which I try to do at least twice a week, but my good intentions go to waste by going out and getting drunk. I love going to the pubs and clubbing and most other activities. If you are happy with my profile, please let me know.

Ok, I’ll be nice because obviously she really wants a guy to call her and be her knight in shining armor. At least she is honest about going out and getting drunk on a daily basis. For that reason, and that reason only, I suggest you call her and boink her.

STD you are most likely to catch: Crabs.

2. Lunch tomorrow - 35 (Atlanta)

Hi there,

I am planning to relocate to Atlanta and will be in town today and tomorrow. I would love the opportunity to meet someone for lunch on Friday. I am single, professional, successful and excited about the opportunities.

Contact me if your interested in a first date with a Northern gal!

Best..

Consider her BANGED! 35 and wanting to go to lunch? Is she buying? Cause if so, I am definitely eating, and it won’t be a salad!!! ZOOM ZOOM. Ok, really, you expect to find a lunch date for Friday by posting on a Thursday? Not going to happen. You have to allow yourself at least 3 days grace period for a craigslist lunch date, if not your just wasting your time.

STD you are most likely to catch: None. She is 35 and looking on craigslist for a lunch date in ATL. Obviously not BANGED.

3. Looking for a date….. - 41 (Douglasville)

I am tired of going out alone, I would like to find someone to go out with. Ideally a SWM between the ages of 35-45.
I am a SWF 5′1″, brown hair with blond highlights, blue eyes, thick/curvy figure (38DD) Very pretty smile.
I am very flirty, witty, love to laugh Your pic gets mine.

Yes, that is her pic, straight from the site. Hope I am not breaking any copyright laws. You know this bitch is butt ugly when you put up a picture of a sunset instead of you. You can always use the FGAS[Fat girl angle shot] if you are that ugly. You can drop 30 pounds by holding the camera up, pushing your huge boobs out, and snapping the photog. Easy. I guess the mood she was trying to set with the sunset was supposed to make me feel as if she was sensitive and caring. Instead it made me feel she was fat and alone. ZING!

STD you are most likely to catch: A step child and gonnorhea. Trust me, she has both.

4. Who knows…. - 24 (Georgia)

I’m not sure what I’m looking for…I think I’m posting out of pure boredom….lol.
I really would like to make friends and see where it leads. Im a black female (as u can see from the pics)looking for a SINGLE, male ages 21-30. Please provide a pic for a response.

And yes, I am REAL…lol

Who Knows…. So original. It took her all of 2 seconds to come up with that catchy headline. I am so glad she is so witty. If she did not tell me she was a black female I would never have known, that pic looks white to me. Why do I have to be a SINGLE male if she is just looking for friends? All these rules, this bitch is controlling.

STD you are most likely to catch: Herpes Simplex 1. “I use valtrex during outbreaks.” Sure you do.

5. I am fun and easy going person - 22 (Atlanta)

I am fun and easy going person. I am a very artistic and creative. I love all types of music and I love to go out dancing and like to have a good time. I am a great conversationalist and am very open. I am honest and truthful and dependable. Just ask me anything you like to know and I will tell you everything then. I dream about perfect date with clever, kind and gently man, who will love me and trust me, I dream about nice evening under the moon with some Champaign near with ocean, I want to see many stars and feel aromas of beautiful flowers with him.

Just ask you anything I like huh? Can you spell champagne? Do you do anal? No seriously though, are you Asian? That has always been a dream of mine. “Me love you longtime” is the only phrase I want you to converse with me. Talking is an over-rated part of a craigslist relationship anyway. Only sex and fellating should be included in the headlines.

STD you are most likely to catch: If she is asian you will get whatever STD asian people get. That one that makes your penis shrink to the size of your pinky toe. It’s real, google that shit.

Now go out there and find yourselves a good woman on craigslist. Just be sure to always wear a rain coat, and if she won’t let you play on the infield, turn her over and play in the dirt. ZOOM ZOOM!