Mondays blow major turds, especially after a fun filled weekend, which included lots of drinks and debauchery. I am going to try and turn my drunken stories into great posts, to which my friends and strangers alike can enjoy my drunken stupidity in all of its glory.
Thursday - My weekend started early, not because I had Friday off, because I didn’t, but because I know how to do the damn thing. Thursday is ladies’ night at the local watering hole, which means all us guys go and post up in the corner and continually yell at every girl to walk by. The line of the night was “hey ladies, this is my friend *insert name*” and their line was “*silence followed by awkward stares*”. You know whats great about ladies’ night, girls get free drinks, which means by the end of the night I start to look really good to them, and by really good I mean they don’t notice me going behind them and sipping out of their straws. The night was capped off by my buddy standing up in his chair and calling out one of the biggest guys at the bar by telling him his Tee shirt, which has the college team Rutgers on it, f’n sucks, while pointing down to the ground. Now close your eyes and picture this, white guy across the bar stand in his chair to yell at black guy from across the bar, music blaring, no way he heard the words coming out of his mouth, all the black guy saw was a guy say f’n sucks and pointing down. Ass whooping? Somehow not, but I was hoping to throw down. That way I could miss work.
Friday Morning - Significant other I went home with is no longer in my bed when I awake. This baffles me. Also what baffles me, is I have to be a work by 9 am. When I awake and realize she is not there, I think it’s Saturday, go to pee, and in mid-pee realize it’s Friday, and now 9:30. I take a quick 2 minute shower, throw on some clothes and call to say I had a flat tire. My co-workers think I am an alcoholic. Most people think, why not set an alarm? I did. It was on my phone, my phone, was on vibrate. I open my phone to a harsh text. Details details.
Friday Afternoon - Harsh text message worked out, for now anyways. It is also my friend Amy’s 21st birthday. My goal: Throw down. Me and my friends go buy beer, almost a 30 pack each. It’s over a 100 beers. I come up with a great idea to go blog after a day of drinking and swimming at the pool. I forget. My boy comes up with an even better idea: Shave our heads. I do it. I immediately realize I am drunk. I show up to my Amy’s 21st birthday dinner, the drunkest person there. I go to the liquor store to buy more booze, take a shot of goldschlager, realize I am officially the drunkest person in the building. Eat dinner and take more shots at the bar before leaving to go to another bar.
Friday Night - Most of my buddies who drank all afternoon with me are now tapped out for the evening. Vaginas. When I go, I go all out. Now at the bar/club. Have a couple of brews, realize there are white rappers on stage who look like I could possibly beat up. Wonder around the dance floor seeing if anyone is there I know. Come back to my group. Leave after a couple of beers and go to another bar. Post up at the bar, night gets fuzzy here. Couple more shots, couple more beers, significant other is wandering around, I start flirting. Remember harsh text message? It come into play. Significant other leaves me at the bar. More shots occur followed by darkness.
Saturday - It’s probably noon. I am awoke by my buddy. I have all of my clothes on from the night before. I slept with the light on in my room. I still am drunk. No questioning that. Go to steak and shake where I continually yell out the word “Vagina”. Families are wondering if they should call the cops on me. Drama for my girl Amy, who is officially 21 and not retarded wasted. This depresses me. Go to the river where I try and swing on a rope swing off a cliff, where I barely am able to hold on till I get over the water. Almost died. Cliff jumping and cave diving occur, followed by me losing my balls in the cold of the water.
Saturday Night - Back from the river, ready to drink and have fun. Like I said, I go all out. Hit up a local restaurant with the same buddies from drinking day at the pool. Power hour ensues, during dinner. Girls walk in, probably in High school, line from Thursday night shows back up, “Hey girl, this is my boy *insert name*, and he is a slut”. Line doesn’t work. We get stared at. Power Hour continues. High school girls sit behind a wall near us. We are the loudest people in the whole restaurant. One of my friends goes and talks to the girls over the wall. No success. Five minutes later I see three digital cameras come up over the wall, I pose along with my friends. I think this is their way of checking us out. Another friend goes up to them. He is dissed, then comes back shaking his hands and throwing up an X sign with his arms. This is the universal signal for “those girls are witches”. I did not know that before. More Power hour. Lemons and limes and ice are then thrown at us from so-called witch girls. Power hour complete. As we leave my friend goes and hits one of the girls in the head with a lemon. Bitch.
Back to the crib for showers and rock band, then off to the bar. No band tonight, so we sit on the stage. Bar is dead when we get there. Buckets of beer show up, to which we drink and toast. Followed by shots. Tequila here, jager here, water moccasin there. Girls show up, line of the night comes out again. Significant other there, harsh text message made up for again. Floating around the bar continues. More shots followed by more beer. Bar is now closing. Bouncer guy gives me attitude, I try to start shit, I am dragged away before my ass is handed to me. Phone calls and text messages occur. Me and significant other stumble to a car where for some reason she drives it home. I am wondering if I wake up tomorrow if she will be there.
Sunday - Day of rest. She has to work, but from what I remember she stayed that night and I had no harsh texts. Day is good. I am hung over. More sleep occurs followed by food and laziness. Sunday was my down day, though I did think about drinking.
Monday - Back on the daily grind. Unfortunately my story telling abilities have not allowed me to get a job fully blogging yet, but blogger guy has not given up. It was a good weekend, and probably will happen all over again this weekend. My name is Chandler, and I like to party.
If you like this, Promote Me:
These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
