12 beers a day

4 stories. 1 trip. For those of who are regular readers of the blog, I told you that coming soon was a story about 4 regular guys who took a trip. A trip of wonder and excitement, but also full of disappointment and pain. Here is that story, from 4 different view points, and the best way I can describe it: F*ckin awesome. These are their stories, completely unedited by me. Straight copied and pasted.

The Participants:

Chandler

Peter

Travis

Cabott

The Locations:

Jacksonville and St. Augustine

The Story:

Jacksonville seems like a good place to go for fun and excitement, so that’s where we decided to go for Peters going away celebration. Fun in the sun combined with booze is usually a good combo for a celebration, and we were definitely prepared.

Peter: So the boys decided to take me to Jacksonville for a going away trip. Arriving at Jacksonville we stopped at a liquor store to get some alcohol. There we got a half gallon of captain morgan and agreed that we wouldn’t stop until its gone. AGREED!

Travis: As the bull shitting ran dry on the ride, the conversation took a turn for the trip plans. This is where I made my plans clear that as my gift to my boy Peter, I would be purchasing a handle of Captain Morgan, and no one could pass out for the night until it is depleted. This may not have been the smartest of my decisions in life, but hey you only live once right? So as we pull into Jax area, we stop at the nearest liquor store to make our beer and Capt’ purchase. As we leave the store Chandler and I decide since Cabott is texting us with the count down of beers on our drive we needed to try to catch up and we pour a more than stiff Capt’ and coke.

Cabott: I guess this whole thing started when peter decided to go to Puerto Rico, I would call what happend this weeek a pre party to the party. I think things picked up when we started a braid of alcohol consumption intertwing beer pong shots of capt and and double shots of tequilla.

Needless to say our goal for the evening was to get shit faced drunk, and it all started with these events:

Beer Pong

Shots of Captain

Peter: Then the shots began, which escalated to more beer pong and more shots.
By this time, I was laying on the drive way talking on the phone while the boys decided to go take a shot without me.

Travis: The teams are Cab/I vs. Peter/Chandler. Of course Chan drains his first two shots to lead his team to victory. But like the champs we are we immediately challenged them to a re-match and won game two. Now being tied at a game apiece we decide it is time for shot one of the night. Entering the kitchen, we soon discover the only shot glasses Cabott owns are University of Florida double glasses. Of course we are not scared and I pour four tall boys and cheers to Peter and Puerto Rico. Game 3 goes to Team Ireland and game four is forced into overtime by a lucky bounce by Chan and Team Eminem. And go figure since we are tied again, its shot time.

This is how the first half of the night went: Beer Pong game followed by shot, Beer Pong game followed by shot, grab some chips, Beer Pong followed by shot. It continued like this for about 6 games, both teams winning 3 and losing 3. That’s numerous beers in and at least 6 shots of Captain a piece. By this time of the night, Cabott isn’t finishing his beer from losing his last game of beer pong, and Peter is finding places he can hide so he won’t he have to take his shots:

He was under the pool table for this one, after we all wandered around the house for 20 minutes looking for him.

Travis: We now start debating if we need to get more beer because the 60 Bud Lights are going fast. As Chan, Cab and I take account of the situation we realize Peter is gone and we discover he has passed out in the middle of the drive way—which of course forces us to take pictures before calling him obscene things. We get him up and decide it is shot time and take another double shit of Capt’, but Peter gets “lost” on the way from the drive way to the kitchen (which is only one door way and about 20 steps). So we pour four shots, but only consume three of them and leave his on the counter and naturally talk shit about him amongst ourselves. The search for him begins to which sends us through the house and cars using our cell phones as flash lights. We are unable to find him and start to give up when he appears smiling and asking what we are doing. He now takes his shot and Cab suggests we go to the strip club.

Cabott: After deciding we didnt have enough beer to play more beer pong we went to the local strip club where the strippers didnt strip, but i still spent upwards of 100 dollars. I dont really know how we made it their and back because 30 minutes before we left the driver had a panda bear hug on the trash can that he was filling with vomit, but we made it.

Peter: Next, I found myself hanging out under the pool table while everyone is looking for. I was always good at hide and seek (for a big guy). I headed back to the kitchen, where the shots were being taken, but I was there alone and here comes everyone else going “dude where the fuck were you?” They handed me another shot of course and I took it, but not after hugging the trashcan for a few moments.

This is our driver to said strip club. Not smart, but sometimes you have to make rash decisions. On a side note, Don’t drink and drive kids, unless your really good at it. Probably my favorite part of the weekend was when Cabott got so excited we were going to the strip club, aka lingerie club, that he ran in his room and pulled out this:

And after he pulled out the magic bag, handed me this:

Cabott had saved his whole life to goto a strip club.

Travis: This is where Cab gets extremely excited and runs to his room (which of course we follow) to find him pulling a crown royal bag out of a drawer slap full of one dollar bills. Cab tells us he has been saving them for an occasion such as this and he pours them out like water. I count out 40 dollars and he hands them to Chan and places about 85-90 in his own pocket and we call for a taxi to come get us. But not before a shot of whatever liquor we can find.

I’ll give you a hint, the taxi never comes.

Peter: Some how, I was talked into going to the strip club. The boys were excited about have a bag full of one dollar bills. They called a cab, so we made or way to the end of the drive way, where the cab never showed up and Travix put Cabbot on his ass while if was taking a piss right next to him. But I got tired of waiting and walked to my truck, and then we made our war to the strip club (more like a PLUS size fashion show in a BAD way).

If only they allowed cameras in these places. These women were unbelievable. I think Travis describes it best:

Travis: As we arrive we all walk in and pay our 5 dollar cover charge. I am first in and get about seven steps through the door before turning to Chan and Peter and tell them I am ready to leave. This is because on stage stands a woman in her bra and lace undies and a see through overcoat, which may sound sexy if she was not 230 lbs!

No exaggeration there. In fact, that estimate is probably being nice. They should have had her stats by her on stage, except being 34-26-34 it would be like 5′8 247. Somehow Cabott is attracted to one of these women and disappears into the back room.

Travis: Cab is now the only person standing by the stage swaying side to side with the girl dancing. When the over sized girl rubs his back, he gives her a disgusted look and walks to the bar. This is where he finds his “fine” black dancer. He buys her and himself a drink and walk past us hand in hand with her smiling heading to the VIP room. About 15 minutes later they return and I ask did he have fun and his response is, “Hell yeah!” I ask how much he spent and he reaches into both pockets to pulls out 4 singles and a lighter. I quickly point out he went in with over 90 bucks and he says easy come easy go. Now we notice music is playing, but no dancer is on stage and Chan gets the idea that he will walk up the middle of the stage and see if anyone starts to dance. He pulls out all 40 of Cabs dollars from earlier and starts to fan them as if someone was booty dancing in front of him. The DJ comes over the loud speaker saying, “Come on ladies this gentleman wants to play,” and as a girl walks out Chan turns and walks away and hands Cab all of his money.

Cabott:Upon enetering the strip club one of the hottest ladies of the night made me her pray, a role which was tailored made for me ( seeing as i have a weakness for hot strippers). While i was in the VIP room this “stripper” gave me the most ridiculous lap dance ever. The best part about it was the end where she asked me “is your dick hard for me baby?” to which my immediate response was “god damn right” followed by a failed attempt to socilite prostitution. I must have spent 100 plus dollars on this chick (SHE WAS WORTH MORE).

Why can’t we have pictures? By the way, this was called a “Strip Club”, but all the girls did was dance around on stage in their underwear. No boobs, no nothing, so in essence the name “Strip Club” could be considered false advertising and they should call it Lane Bryant for strippers. No offense if your a plus sized lady. At least you have big boobs. Back to the story.

Peter: After leaving the place that bout made me sick, we heading home where nothing but pizza was on our minds. As soon as I got home, I was out on the couch.

Travis: Entering the house last I find that Cab and Chan are waiting for me in the kitchen with shots in hands. We shoot them and I discover that it is not Capt’ but tequila. Peter has passed out on the couch and we call him names and leave him there. As the guys debate on taking one more shot Chandler says he wants to go see the ghost of Christmas past Cabs has been talking about for weeks that lives on the dock and can only be seen at late hours of the night. We shoot another tequila shot and head outside. Chan starts calling for the ghost, “Here ghost…are you there?” Which pisses Cab off because he says you have to sneak up on him or you will never get to see ‘em. The three of us are now standing at the end of the dock and Cab and I start talking, when out of the corner of my eye I see a flash and hear a splash. When we turn we see Chandler has striped off his shirt and shoes and jumped into the Trout River.

I have no words to describe how hot is was out that night, hence the reason for my dip in the river. Now, the only reason I jumped in was because I saw stairs on the side of the dock, which I thought were there for people to use to get out of the river.

Travis: . We laugh and watch him swim for a few minutes. Then when he swims over to climb up the old stairs which are missing the two lowest stairs due to rotting, Cab walks over to help being the heroic gentleman he is. So Cab is standing on the first stair trying to pull Chan out of the river when I hear some cracking and Cabott yells, “Oh shit (in slow motion),” and he falls in. The stairs crumble in the river and I try not to pee my pants laughing so hard. Now they try to figure out how to exit the river when Cab says they should just climb up the side of the dock. Cab does so and is now on the dock soaked and kind of in shock. Chandler swims up and Cab reaches out his hand as to pull Chan out, so I reach down and start to pull his other hand.

By this point, I am wasted, been swimming, been laughing so hard I DID pee myself and just purely exhausted. It’s only mandatory that I ask for a break.

Travis: About half way up Chan looks at us and asks, “Can we take a break,” which we immediately reply with something along the lines of HELL NO! Chan makes it to the dock and is now lying on his back like he was just saved by the Coast Guard from a sinking boat. Out of now where Cabott runs over and rolls him back into the river like a log. As Chan hits the water Cab is standing laughing with his back to me, so I feel like the right thing to do is to give him a push to let him join in the fun, right? Cabott now climbs out and starts to chase me down the dock and through the house.

Cabott: while we are in the water (the second time) Chandler and I both make a horrifying dicovery (not at the same time). Mine was that this pole that i am climbing is full of barnicles, which are probably still bloody from the bottom of my feet/arms/stomach. So I get back on the dock and realize that i need immediate first aid so me and travis just walk back to the house where i see drops of bloods after every step i take.

Notice how these two recollections don’t exactly match in details. First off, I did not discover anything horrifying at the same time Cabott did, because I am still in the water watching these two run off down the docks. I am to tired to try and pull myself up so I decide to swim to shore. On my way to shore I keep hitting sharp pointy objects which I think are trees that were blown down by Katrina, even though Travis says I said Ivan, but he is wrong.

Travis: When I return outside I find Chan swimming to the shore, He is bitching that Hurricane Ivan must have knocked down a lot of trees because he keeps stepping on all of them. As he makes it the shore he starts saying his feet really hurt and asks if I would walk to the end of the dock to gather his belongings, which I did. When making it to the kitchen I notice he is leaving a trail with each step made of blood.

Cabott: About this time chandler was making what we’ll call discovery one, which was that the bottom of the river that he was wadding through was NOT soft and sand but rough and thorny like trees that were blown down by hurricane katrina. When he finally gets out of the water he realizees that his feet are cut severly we soon bandaged hi wounds with paper towels and sctch tape.

Travis: This sent us to Cabotts room where he had the door closed, but did not slow us down for a second. When entering the room we found Cab sitting in his recliner, butt naked with this 1980’s army first aid kit opened on the floor. I guess climbing up the dock side he sustained some wounds as well. So Chan starts to try to nurse his feet and Cab continues to wrap his as well. When all of a sudden, Cab starts to yell at us not to look at his package and he trys to cover up the best he can with his wet shorts. We both replied that why would we want to see it and tell him to stop being a bitch. Neither one of the guys can figure out how to use the 1980’s gauze so Cabott tells Chandler to go the kitchen and he will wrap his feet for him. As Chan and I enter the kitchen Chandler demands a shot to be taken, but luckily for me Cab enters as we are approaching the liquor. Cabott has a roll of toilet paper and scotch tape in each hand and tells Chan to sit down with his feet raised up.

Peter meanwhile, has been asleep through all this commotion going on. He was the smartest dumb one of the evening. Meanwhile we pass out…

Travis: Cabott wraps Chan’s foot with TP and 2/3 the roll of tape and tells us he is going to bed. Chan makes his way to his blow up bed and I go sit in the chair beside him to chat. Here again Chandler cannot believe his luck was as bad as that he hit every branch and tree along the path from the dock to the shore. He says he is ready to go to bed and I leave to move to my love sofa. After a few minutes I guess I was out because I woke up around 7:15 am to hear Cab and his dad talking in the kitchen and it was not going to positive. His dad just kept saying how much of dumb asses we were to allow Chan to get hurt like that and he walks up the blow up bed and wakes Chan up demanding to see his foot. After seeing the damage he tells him to get up and get in the shower. Chan does not refuse and is in the shower before the drill sergeant gets angry. His dad now asks Peter what happen and his response is, “I don’t know sir I was sleeping.” His dad replies with something along the lines of you are the smartest one here then.

Somewhere along the line of being woke up by his dad and demanded to go clean my feet in the shower, I was informed what I was REALLY walking on the night before. Oyster beds. Razor sharp oyster beds, which left my feet looking like this.

Yeah, and that shit hurt. Toilet paper don’t exactly stop the bleeding either. This is day after right here, all doctored up by yours truly. Story ON!

Travis: As Chan shows his feet to Papa, he tells him of his bad luck hitting all the trees on the path. His dad laughs and replies, “There are no trees out there son, you walked through 12 oyster beds!” Chan almost tears up when hearing this, which only brings me to tears of laugher even more. He applies Neosporin to his wounds and we pack our things for the beach.

Peter: They both got their feet cut up. I woke up the next morning to Cabbot’s das calling Chandler a fuckin idiot.

We already knew that anyways.

Peter: So later that morning we drove down to St. Augustine to hit up the beaches, but the weather was pretty bad. Instead we went to the outlet mall to shop around. Chandler and Travis decided to buy matching crocs.

Yes, I have black socks on with my brown crocs. My feet hurt. Suck it.

Travis: Might I add that Chan is walking like a crippled old man this entire time with both feet wrapped up in gauze and flip flops. People are looking at him as he walks. He runs across a section of Crocs and gets it in his head that they will make his feet feel better so he wants a pair. But he wants either Peter or me to buy a pair with him. I try them on but have never been a flops kind of guy so am not sure if I will get my money out of them. After a little persuading I decide to get a pair too. While Chan is pays the man for his he asks if it is ok to wear them out of the store and the man of course compiles.

First off, no one persuaded him. After he saw how great I looked in them, of course he was going to buy a matching pair. The store clerk saw my feet wrapped in ghetto bandages and asked me what happened, so I told him, “Oyster fields, walking, cut feet, yadda” to which he replies “I bet alcohol was involved”. Duh. Dumbass.

Travis: Now beachside on A1A, Peter decides he wants to drive on the beach so we enter the booth and are told due to weather the ramps are not going to be charging at this time so we are admitted free of charge. While driving down the beach we get to two places where it states “4×4 only”, but of course does not stop us in our 2×2 from proceeding. When the sand starts to get thick and the truck starts to slide side to side Peter punches it to prevent us from getting stuck. Now we are still riding and notice no one is on the beach in these areas and there is now a blue blazer coming up behind us. We decide on the next ramp we would be exiting to return to the busy beachside at the first ramp. While we drive through the ramp booth the blazer is now right behind us and hits us will all blue lights. We pull over and County Mounty walks up to our window stating he clocked us at our peak 22 mph and consistently at 15-18 mph (I guess that is fast in these parts). After 25 minutes the cop returns with our ticket in his hand and of course he has given us a deal (like all cops do) by not writing a state ticket which would be 180+ dollars but only a county ticket which is 43 dollars. We tell him we are thankful when he feels the need to tell us why the speed limit is 10 mph on the beach because they have a lot of children run over each year on the beach and the speed limit has been 10 since World War II.

Peter: After getting my ticket, we went to Walgreens to get Chandler some hydrogen peroxide and bandages for his cut up feet. We headed back to the beach to relax and enjoy. Well, once again we get into it with the law. This time, for open container. NOT FOR BOTTLES, no alcohol is allowed on the beach in St. Augustine. Cabbot got lucky b/c when I saw the cops turned around, I grabbed his and threw it in a bag. But Travis, Chandler, and me were suppose to get tickets. Im getting in trouble b/c my truck was the one that brought the alcohol, Travis and Chandler for open containers.

Cabott: , Who knew you couldnt drink on the beach?

Travis: We unload everything from the truck and enter the ocean for a swim. Cab arrives and we head back to the trucks to relax and bullshit amongst ourselves. Cab reaches into the cooler and pulls out a ice cold can of Bud Light, so we figure we will not make him drink alone, so Chan and I crack one open as well. As we are sitting around hanging out I stand to retrieve round two and Cab says he does not need one because he is driving which I say ok to. I toss Chan his second and open mine and as I press it to my lips, I see this car drive by and stop and then do a U-turn. I walk over to Chan and tell him I think it is a cop and to my surprise it is! I guess he is scared because before he exits his vehicle another cop pulls in from the side. They walk up to us and inform us it is illegal to have alcohol on the beach and they need everyone’s IDs. We all comply and explain we thought you just could not have glasses bottles and this does not fly with these hard ass cops. They tell us they are going to run our IDs and decide what tickets are going to be written. They give Cabott and Peter back their IDs since they were not drinking. And they run Chandler and mine through the computer database. We come back clean and they say they are only going to issue one ticket and we can split it amongst ourselves. The cop is trying to decide who will get the ticket by looking at our IDs, and tells me I am the lucky winner because I was the one actually seen drinking the Bud Light. I agree and sign my ticket and we leave the damn beach.

After all the spring breaks and girls gone wild videos that I have seen I never once knew that drinking on the beach was illegal. One thing I did learn in St. Augustine is that the sense of humor that most people have is non-existent in cops there. So from this point we are given 2 options. Option 1: Pour out all the alcohol and stay at the beach on a day where we just drove through a tropical storm to even get the cloudy ass beach. Option 2: Leave the beach. With a unanimous “We’re leaving” from the group, we take our ticket and pack up and go. 2 tickets, same beach, within an hour.

Travis: We have now got two guy we cuts and scraps on their feet and two tickets so we head to the bars to do some hopping. We drink our bad luck away and head back to Valdosta around 10 pm, that night with great stories to share. I believe our going away present to Peter will not be easily forgotten by any of us, which was a success for all that were involved.

Cabott: But the shining light/quote for me came while we were at Pizzaalleys, and like 7 13-14 year old kids sit next two us 3 of which werent unattractive. One of these non attractive girls (probably 13) asks me to take a shot of hot sauce and i say nah i just stick to spicey stuff. Now she says “Liquor? that got old to us like a year ago” as soon as these words were uttered me and chandler looked at each other completely lost in translation… then we find the tightest bar in St. Augustine, and they leave.

Peter: So everyone agreed its time to hit up the bars. We bar hoped until about 9 pm and then headed home.

I expected a better ending from these guys, but this is what I got. So to sum it up we went to downtown St. Augustine, with both Cabott and I in black socks and flip flops and crocs walking around fighting off the girls. It all ended with great stories and awesome memories. And possibly scars on my feet.