12 beers a day

Girls, girls, girls. Here you go. I am about to spill the beans on how to get that guy you are longing for to go home with you…when your drunk.

Rule Number 1: This is the main rule to picking up guys. Make sure; make DAMN sure, they are drunk. The uglier you are, the drunker they HAVE to be. Beer goggles only work so well ladies. If you see a half sober guy walking around, that’s a pass. If you see a guy fumbling his drinks, tripping on his own feet, drooling a little on his favorite shirt: SCORE! Talk to him. At first, the drool may throw you off, but your not here to speed date, your goal is to get the young man home. From there you are on your own.

Rule Number 2: Don’t get a guy who is so shit-housed that he is going to pass out on you during the walk/drive home. (Disclaimer: Please don’t drink and drive, I do it all the time and is so STUPID!) If the dildo passes out on you, you will be left snooping through his wallet to find out if he is loaded, and whether or not the next day you want to try and convince him to buy you something nice. If you’re a gold digger, well, ignore this rule and proceed with the wallet investigation.

Rule Number 3: This is one of the most important rules, so jot this down. Be positive his friends, HIS FRIENDS, are beyond intoxicated before initiating the “come home with me” conversation, unless you are an incredibly hot girl. Guys, believe it or not, look out for one another…occasionally. If you are a less than stellar looking woman, you must make sure his friends are drunk, so they won’t talk him/drag him out of going with you. Your best friend at these moments should be Jaeger shots. Buy rounds for his friends, not him. You don’t want him to end up like rule number 2.

Rule Number 4: The catch. The easiest and most effective way to get a guy to go home with you from the bar, simple: Grab His Crotch. What straight man is going to turn that down? Huh? Guys, am I right?

My brothers I have not forgotten about ye. Get your notepads out, I am about to lay it out for you in terms you can understand on how to get that girl home.

Rule Number 1: Hide from your friends. At this point your beer goggles should be on full blast, and having any of your friends around, guy or girl friends, will impede you from picking out easy prey. Hearing the occasional “she is ugly man” is ok, but hearing it from 4 different people 4 different times will affect your game. Ditch them for the moment. Once you find your catch, hook her, and bring her in to the group. Make sure she does not stray to far from the circle, this way no one will have the opportunity to tell you if she is ugly or not.

Rule Number 2: Buy her friends drinks. Please remember to make them happy and get them drunk. Unlike with your guy friends just keeping you from ugly girls when they are sober, women will protect their friends from every wandering penis in sight if they don’t like the looks of them, or if they themselves, are sober. You have to make her friends happy and/or drunk in order to even be able to have a conversation with your interest, let alone go home with her. Women are like a pack of wolves, they won’t leave one behind, unless they are to damn drunk to remember that wolf just got taken home by a rhino.

Rule Number 3: Go after a girl who is drunk, but not shitty drunk. Shitty drunk means she is taking shots every 5 minutes and trying to make out with every guy that walks by her on their way to the bathroom. You don’t want this girl. This girl is most likely going to have issues later on in the night, ex: extended trips to the toilet and/or trashcan. It’s just a fact that most women, and I say MOST women ladies so don’t yell, cannot handle large amounts of alcohol without Mr. Up-chuck stopping by for a visit. Holding a girl’s hair back from the toilet was not the position you had in mind, I’m sure.

Rule Number 4: Act like you give a shit what the drunken girl is saying. Women love, LOVE, to be listened to. They can talk for days about God knows what. If you pretend you are interested in what a drunken girl has to say, she will most likely talk to you for a good bit. Women like to hear themselves talk and guys don’t really care as long as he can glance down your shirt every now and then.

Rule Number 5: At one point in the night make it rain on them hoes. Why not?

Please, please, PLEASE, keep in mind that these rules only apply when you and your object of desire, or objects, are drunk. Sober, you’re on your own, I suck at sober talking.

Any questions?