Ah, the little blue pill that makes old men weep for joy. VIAGRA. The infamous erectile dysfunction drug that made a splash in the late ’90s is my topic of interest for the day. VIVA VIAGRA!!! That commercial sucks, but it got me thinking. They use like the last 45 seconds of that ad to go over all the side effects of taking the make you hard pill. So now for your “when you get old and need a penis jump” knowledge, I will go over them.

These side effects are all listed on VIAGRA.com here.

-Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in sexual activity. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts during sex, seek immediate medical help.

This warning is rather vague. It does not suggest that you are already taking the drug, so basically this could happen to you before you are even on the pill. While in the middle of “getting it on”, you could get the urge to puke all over your mate. Now unless your a fan of “4 girls fingerpaint”, this may not be a good idea if you plan on pursuing another love engagement with the same mate.

-Although erections lasting for more than 4 hours may occur rarely with all ED treatments in this drug class, to avoid long-term injuries, it is important to seek immediate medical help.

This is the only reason I want to take the pill. Every guy in the world hears this part of the warning when the commercial is on. We all looked at each other the first time we heard it and uttered these words to our fellow brethren: “If I had a hard on for 4 hours I would call my doctor immediately, and Say “HELL YEAH BITCH I BEEN HARD FOR 4 HOURS AND STILL GOING, JUST LIKE THE MUTHA-F*CKIN ENERGIZER BUNNY FOOL!! KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME”". Trust me, these are the EXACT words every male in the world spoke. I would not lie to you.

-If you are older than age 65, or have serious liver or kidney problems, your doctor may start you at the lowest dose (25 mg) of VIAGRA. If you are taking protease inhibitors, such as for the treatment of HIV, your doctor may recommend a 25-mg dose and may limit you to a maximum single dose of 25 mg of VIAGRA in a 48-hour period.

This is bad for my imagination. If you are older than age 65, please don’t have sex. If you are older than age 65 and have HIV, please please don’t have sex. Why would doctors even prescribe you a drug to help you pass HIV on to some unsuspecting hooker you met in Vegas. There should be a law against that.

-In rare instances, men taking PDE5 inhibitors (oral erectile dysfunction medicines, including VIAGRA) reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to these medicines or to other factors. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop taking PDE5 inhibitors, including VIAGRA, and call a doctor right away.

VIAGRA will make you go blind. I have never taken an aspirin and lost my ability to read, so I am pretty sure if those test subjects experienced “loss of vision”, it wasn’t because they ate a bad tomato before they showed up for your VIAGRA experiment that day. What the hell man? You mean to tell me I could possibly be walking around all day with a 4 hour hard on and not be able to see. What a day!

-Sudden decrease or loss of hearing has been rarely reported in people taking PDE5 inhibitors, including VIAGRA. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to the PDE5 inhibitors or to other factors. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of hearing, stop taking VIAGRA and contact a doctor right away.

You thought you would just be blind and hard, but now your deaf as well. Why would anyone take this drug? Your like Helen Keller with a stiff weiner. Fun times.

-The most common side effects of VIAGRA are headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. Less commonly, bluish vision, blurred vision, or sensitivity to light may briefly occur.

Well thank God these are the COMMON side effects. Which to me means that I will most likely experience them. Headaches I can understand, I get that when girls want to cuddle afterwards anyway. Facial flushing, I just call this my “O” face. Upset stomach, unless I had some Taco Bell before the romping began, I don’t want to feel like I am going to defecate on my lover. As far as the vision side effects go, I am most likely going to be wasted anyway when the horizontal mambo begins, that these side effects are probably going to be from alcohol, not the little blue pill.

-The blue diamond tablet shape is a registered trademark of Pfizer Inc.

This isn’t a side effect, I just like how they trademarked the blue pill. Smart.