12 beers a day

So most of you who know me or keep up with this here blog know I had an incident back in May with the law. Something bout stealing a duck or something like that. Well I did not think much of it, until I got this here little letter in the mail.

For those of you who cannot read it, it looks something like this.

RE: Violation

Citation Number S 5964

Case Number

Date 05/03/2008

Balance Due $767.00 (Includes late fee of $200)

Then it basically goes on to tell me that the city of Remerton is going to make me toss their salad if I don’t pay the balance in full in 14 days from the date on the letter. Which really meant I had ten days to pay the letter, or else a bench warrant for my arrest was going to be issued. Now by this time in reading the letter I am trying to control my utter urge to puke and cry, all at the same time. I am by no means rich, and even thought I have made a total of $12.78 from this here blog, that still puts me in the hole a little bit. Just a tad.

Thank God I have connections in law enforcement. A couple days after I recieved this letter, I got another in the mail this weekend.

There are only two words on there that I focused on…CASE DISMISSED. That’s right ladies and gentleman, case dismissed. My balance went from $767.00 to $0.00. But, I must say, I did learn a valuable lesson. A $5.00 lawn duck can end up costing a very drunk person around $767.00. And, since I have now blogged about this and made this public, I am thinking the city of Remerton will somehow bring this back up against me. The things I do for my readers.

I think they should combine the 3rd and 4th of July and make a celebration out of our independence. We fought wars for this stuff and only get one day off work?! Our fore fathers would be highly disappointed. I am going to try and provide some drunk blogs this weekend, but seeing as how I try to do that every weekend and get to drunk to even read, it probably won’t happen. Hence why I am say happy almost 4th of July weekend now, instead of actually waiting till tomorrow. Mostly because I will be drunk at the pool.

In honor of the 4th of July I now bring you chicks in patriotic bikinis. Because what really says I love your country like a patriotic bikini? Women, take notes. Also, I’ll throw in one for the ladies, so make sure you scroll to bottom. Gotta show my female audience some love.

***Ed. note- I think I did this exact same post for memorial day as well. Maybe they should combine those two holidays? Just a thought.

Ladies, you can thank me later. I prefer blowjobs or chocolate candy.

Why is it, no matter how bad or good a weekend goes, Mondays will always suck donkey dick? Makes no sense to me. I just want for one Monday, I walk into work, hungover and tired from the weekend, open my office door, and see a nude woman sitting at my desk, typing something dirty to all of my readers on this website while she plays with my twig and berries. That Monday, will not suck, at least in not the way this Monday sucks. ZOOM!

It’s 4th of July week, which means this weekend all the rednecks here in South GA. will have the urge to blow things up. I think every cat in GA. better run for cover. I got some M-80s with their names on them.

Now for the day, here is a video. This guy makes you feel glad to have all your teeth, and makes you wonder how the hell a chainsaw knocked out some of his.

It’s FRIDAY!!! Thank God. And I am hungover like a bitch for some reason. Every 5 seconds I am throwing up in my mouth a little bit at work. So with that good spirit in mind, I don’t feel like writing anything sexy and provocative, so I give you links. Links to get you through the day, hence the title of this post. If you don’t like it, write something yourself. I promise I will post it. Bitch.

I am so playing soccer in my next life. Cristiano Ronaldo hot ass spanish chica - Splash News

Drunken PILOTS in India. Hope they ain’t flying - Uncoached

Proof the MTV is getting crappier by the years - College Candy

Gallery of women in Rude, Funny, and Sexy T-shirts - Bright Black Internet

Hulk Hogan greases down his daughters ass - Holy Taco

That’s all I got. I am going to throw up now, then masturbate on schedule at 10:00 then go drink some more after several more masturbation sessions. I dare someone to challenge me.

Discussions I have at the bar usually turn out to be drunken babblings that I most likely will forget the next day, but today is your lucky day. Considering the fact that I am a guy and I have had great success with women in the past(3 WHOLE GIRLFRIENDS + LOTS OF PORN + 7 MASTURBATION SESSIONS DAILY= GREAT SUCCESS) I feel the need to pass my knowledge on to my fellow man. Not to mention my friends and I were discussing exactly how to approach women and to turn that approach into a relationship, or at least a one night stand. So here is the 12 beers a day guide to picking up women.

Approach - Talk. Bottom line. This is the one and only thing you have to remember about approaching women is to just talk. If you don’t talk, how do you expect to get anywhere with anybody, let alone women. Open your stupid mouth and say whatever pops in your head. Here is an example:

Me: Hey, how are you doing?

WOW! That was incredibly hard. I could have went with the usual line I use, “Hey, you want my dick in your doody hole”, but for you newbies out there, I will keep it simple.

Conversation - Ask questions. All women love to talk, it’s what they were born to do, so the more you allow them to talk, the further you will get with them. Ask them the usual, what do you do, where you from, you in school, you like clothes, whatever it is, phrase it as a question. This will help you build your confidence to actually throw a word in or two when it is appropriate. No man in the world is known as a great conversationalist, unless they are politicians.

The Stages - Here is where most guys go wrong. There are stages to building a relationship that most men seem to overlook. You have to, and I mean HAVE to, become friends first and foremost. If a girl becomes friends with you, that means she trusts you, and trust is key to relationships. You have to be careful though, becoming friends is one thing, but you do not, under any circumstance, want to hit friend zone. Friend zone is where you will hear the killer line “I just don’t want to ruin our friendship”, even though the only reason YOU became friends in the first place was to try and pork date her. There is a fine line you must walk to be friends but not hit friends zone. Basically what you have to do is be friendly but flirtatious at the same time. Throw in a funny flirtatious comment in every conversation to let her know you view her as more then a friend. Don’t make it to obvious though, you don’t want to creep her out. You want her comfortable to your vibe.

If you can manage to do all this without making a complete jackass of yourself, you will then advance into the relationship stage. That my friend is a whole different story to go into. Your on your own when you get into a relationship because every girl is different. You are not allowed to think, speak, drink, eat, or snooze when your in a relationship. This is against the rules from what I have been told.

In a nutshell that is my guide to picking up women. Notice no perversion was included. Okay, maybe a little.

**Ed. Note - If you want to add anything I left out, leave a comment and I will add it in and repost this. Giving you a great big shout out.

This is a video of a group called Naturally7 singing a cover of the Phil Collins song “In the air tonight” on a train in Paris. It’s probably one of the best covers I have heard of the song, from a band I have never heard of. I have been rockin’ this vid all morning long. Enjoy.

Thanks to Brahsome for the link.

This just seemed appropriate for today.

So I googled the words “Vagina Penis” together this morning, just because I am bored and for some reason I always have word “Vagina” stuck in my head, and a “Penis” in between my legs, and here is the first page that popped up.

Ask the Experts: Which hole in the vagina does the penis go in …

The opening of the vagina is in the middle of the vulva.

That’s right ladies and gentleman, someone, somewhere, asked this question: “WHICH HOLE IN THE VAGINA DOES THE PENIS GO IN…”. What a genuis moron this person is. How many holes does the vagina have? 5 at most. You can pretty much stick it wherever you want as long as the girl doesn’t complain. That’s my experience anyway. If she starts writhing in pain, that’s a good thing. When she is laying there motionless with a little throw up on her cheek, that’s when you know you have the EXACT RIGHT HOLE. Who cares that she is drunk and not awake, she was asking for it all the way home: “nummm num nummm give me nummm nummmm nummmmm water penis”. Exact words.

This is what I think about on a daily basis. And you guys wonder why I am an alcoholic.

***So I think this may be an every week topic, FUN WITH GOOGLE, so submit your ideas on a word/words that I should google and write about.

That’s right. My facebook profile is my new facebook profile pic. Get it? Just check it out.

Yeah, I’m awesome. Now blow me. Right now. Or at least add me on facebook. I’m a simple man as well.

If you find this offensive please direct comments to Amy’s facebook wall.