God I love America. The land of the free. The land of opportunity. The land of dumb-ass people who sue for spilling hot coffee on themselves at Mickey D’s. Just call it “The land of trying to get anything I can for free, no matter how much it cost me to go to court and sue your rich ass”.
We have another culprit in the get rich scheme. This time, it’s a former lawyer who has a gambling problem. The bitches name is Arelia Taveras and she used to be a successful lawyer before she became accustomed to blowing all her money on blackjack and craps. So what does she decide to do? Sue the casinos for not stopping her.
SUE THE CASINOS FOR NOT STOPPING HER GAMBLING! Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t that what casinos are there for? Gambling? I thought that. That’s why my broke ass knows I shouldn’t go. Then again if she wins this case, I’ll be the happiest man alive because I’ve lost millions on Internet gambling. (Exaggeration? Maybe?)
This lady is suing for $20 Million!!! She claims to have lost close to a million dollars. That’s like a 5000% return. My math may be a little off.
Her claim: “I realized it was an addiction when I was losing all that money and breaking out in sweat,” Taveras said. “It went from every month, to every week, to every day.”
No shit. After you lost about 5 paychecks you didn’t stop and think, “Hmmm. I may have a problem?” I lose $100 bucks and I am pooping my pants. A couple grand and I’m jumping off a building.
She really has no excuses. She was in a casino. You know what they have posted at almost every corner in a casino? Do you? This:
STOP F*CKING GAMBLING, YOUR ADDICTED.
Yeah, that’s there. If not, it should be. I may notice in between my free drinks and the hookers hittin’ on me. If not, oh well, it’s only a problem when your losing.
If this chick gets $20 mill then I am suing everyone I have ever lost money to. That $5 bet back in middle school, you should have stopped me Johnny, now your going to pay me a grand. That $50 bet on the Super Bowl, damn patriots, you owe me 100 g’s sports gambling site that I hate now.
I feel like I just won the lottery. Well, only if she wins.
Ah, the little blue pill that makes old men weep for joy. VIAGRA. The infamous erectile dysfunction drug that made a splash in the late ’90s is my topic of interest for the day. VIVA VIAGRA!!! That commercial sucks, but it got me thinking. They use like the last 45 seconds of that ad to go over all the side effects of taking the make you hard pill. So now for your “when you get old and need a penis jump” knowledge, I will go over them.
These side effects are all listed on VIAGRA.com here.
-Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in sexual activity. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts during sex, seek immediate medical help.
This warning is rather vague. It does not suggest that you are already taking the drug, so basically this could happen to you before you are even on the pill. While in the middle of “getting it on”, you could get the urge to puke all over your mate. Now unless your a fan of “4 girls fingerpaint”, this may not be a good idea if you plan on pursuing another love engagement with the same mate.
-Although erections lasting for more than 4 hours may occur rarely with all ED treatments in this drug class, to avoid long-term injuries, it is important to seek immediate medical help.
This is the only reason I want to take the pill. Every guy in the world hears this part of the warning when the commercial is on. We all looked at each other the first time we heard it and uttered these words to our fellow brethren: “If I had a hard on for 4 hours I would call my doctor immediately, and Say “HELL YEAH BITCH I BEEN HARD FOR 4 HOURS AND STILL GOING, JUST LIKE THE MUTHA-F*CKIN ENERGIZER BUNNY FOOL!! KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME”". Trust me, these are the EXACT words every male in the world spoke. I would not lie to you.
-If you are older than age 65, or have serious liver or kidney problems, your doctor may start you at the lowest dose (25 mg) of VIAGRA. If you are taking protease inhibitors, such as for the treatment of HIV, your doctor may recommend a 25-mg dose and may limit you to a maximum single dose of 25 mg of VIAGRA in a 48-hour period.
This is bad for my imagination. If you are older than age 65, please don’t have sex. If you are older than age 65 and have HIV, please please don’t have sex. Why would doctors even prescribe you a drug to help you pass HIV on to some unsuspecting hooker you met in Vegas. There should be a law against that.
-In rare instances, men taking PDE5 inhibitors (oral erectile dysfunction medicines, including VIAGRA) reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to these medicines or to other factors. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop taking PDE5 inhibitors, including VIAGRA, and call a doctor right away.
VIAGRA will make you go blind. I have never taken an aspirin and lost my ability to read, so I am pretty sure if those test subjects experienced “loss of vision”, it wasn’t because they ate a bad tomato before they showed up for your VIAGRA experiment that day. What the hell man? You mean to tell me I could possibly be walking around all day with a 4 hour hard on and not be able to see. What a day!
-Sudden decrease or loss of hearing has been rarely reported in people taking PDE5 inhibitors, including VIAGRA. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to the PDE5 inhibitors or to other factors. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of hearing, stop taking VIAGRA and contact a doctor right away.
You thought you would just be blind and hard, but now your deaf as well. Why would anyone take this drug? Your like Helen Keller with a stiff weiner. Fun times.
-The most common side effects of VIAGRA are headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. Less commonly, bluish vision, blurred vision, or sensitivity to light may briefly occur.
Well thank God these are the COMMON side effects. Which to me means that I will most likely experience them. Headaches I can understand, I get that when girls want to cuddle afterwards anyway. Facial flushing, I just call this my “O” face. Upset stomach, unless I had some Taco Bell before the romping began, I don’t want to feel like I am going to defecate on my lover. As far as the vision side effects go, I am most likely going to be wasted anyway when the horizontal mambo begins, that these side effects are probably going to be from alcohol, not the little blue pill.
-The blue diamond tablet shape is a registered trademark of Pfizer Inc.
This isn’t a side effect, I just like how they trademarked the blue pill. Smart.
I’m bored and thought of this sweet contest I could have. I am going to post a picture and you are going to submit what the caption under it should say. For the winner, they get a guest spot on my blog. And maybe a rub and tug, but not from me, unless its a girl, then its a rub and rub….I guess?
ON TO THE CONTEST. Submit your caption in the comments!
For all you who love the itching and scratching that is associated with getting bit by a mosquito, well here is your chance to actually get PAID for it.
The Seattle Biomedical Research Institute is looking for volunteers who want to catch malaria. Obviously it must be legit, because it DOES have the word research in the name. They are actually testing out new vaccines to determine which one works the fastest on the disease.
Volunteers will be paid $4,000. FOUR GRAND!!! I don’t know about you, but I would let them put some crazy disease in me for that kind of cash. I may fly out to Seattle right now just to make some paper!! Plus it pays way more then donating sperm, I doubt it has the same after glow though.
I hope the side effects of having malaria are not to bad for the volunteers. Actually, for 4 g’s, I hope they at least throw up multiple times and lose the ability to function sexually for 2 weeks, but only because I’m jealous.
It’s time for another list here at 12beersaday.com. My criteria for this list is as follows: whatever I deem cracked out, looks, actions, words, hair, it don’t matter. It’s my list, so sit back and enjoy.
10. Nick Nolte
I don’t even know if this guy is alive anymore. In fact, the only movie I really ever remember him in is Blue Chips, and I could be wrong about that as well. But let’s face it, when you have a mug shot that looks like you just tumbled down the Grand Canyon while chugging a bottle of Vodka, your probably cracked out.
9. Gary Busey
How is this guy not in an insane asylum? Not only is he freaking out some kid reporter who probably had to go to therapy after this incident, but he’s also freaking out other celebrities as well.
I think these two videos sum up Gary Busey. Words will do no good.
8. Chris Crocker
I don’t even know if this guy/girl/who gives a f*ck even counts as a celebrity. All this thing did was make a whole bunch of weird ass videos basically saying he wishes he was Britney Spears, or at least her vaginal area. Any guy who dresses up this way and acts this way and is this way, is cracked out beyond belief. Or at least I hope they are.
7. Steve-O from Jackass/Wildboyz
I don’t think I need to say anything to prove Steve-O has been doing crack off people’s backs since he was at least 8 years old. Half the stunts he does on Jackass and Wildboyz require you to have at the most 5 working brain cells or else you would think, “I probably shouldn’t do this, it is quite dumb”. Then this video pretty much shows that there is not a sober moment in this Jackasses life. God I love cable.
6. Tom Cruise
My how I miss the old Tom Cruise. The Top Gun, Days of Thunder Tom Cruise. Those were the good ole days where you could look up to an actor, or in Tom’s case down, and know he was always going to be someone you could count on. Then he jumped into that Scientology bull and off the deep end he went. If you watch Oprah’s face closely in that video you can see where she gets the point where she is like, “What the f*ck, what the f*ck am I going to do? I should really just push this chair out from underneath this Muthaf*cka and have him bust his ass. That will definitely make youtube.”
Hey, those are her thoughts not mine people.
5. That guy from Celebrity Rehab on VH1
Jeff Conaway is his name, and doing drugs is his game. This guy at some point in his life was in movies (Grease) and TV Shows (Taxi), but unless your my parents’ age you probably never heard of him. I know I hadn’t until VH1 created this masterpiece of a show. Let’s get a whole bunch of no name celebrities who are druggies and alcoholics and put them in rehab = Brilliance. I’ll be honest, without this crackhead on the show, there would be no show. The guy is so drugged out he was in the hospital having seizures after the 1st episode. I would not even watch if this guy wasn’t on it. I keep thinking he is just going to croak every time I tune in, but instead he just keeps flipping out and having these rage attacks. Just give him a line of blow and he will be fine. Just don’t tell Dr. Drew.
4. Michael Jackson
Poor Michael. He used to be famous, he used to own a huge ranch, he used to have lots of money, and he used to be black. When you can manage to go from a famous black man to a decrepit old white man, you make this list. Not to mention he has to be the least photogenic person on earth cause every picture he takes looks like he just saw Godzilla eat his next boy brunch.
3. Lindsay Lohan
First and foremost, do me a favor and look at Lindsay’s left ankle, that would be the ankle on the right side for all you college graduates out there. Need I say more?
I was going to put one of the nude Marilyn Monroe/Lindsay Lohan pics up for you, but this is a family site man.
I think Lindsay just got arrested again. Oh wait no, that was just her ankle bracelet beeping. I told her to stay out of the water.
2. Britney Spears
Look, even Britney’s crotch has taken to the 12 beers a day theme. I am almost an Internet Icon, now if only her face can follow.
Britney would be number 1 on this list any other year. She lost her kids to K-Fed of all people, has been married 5 times it seems, and she has been to a mental health facility. Rumors of rampant drug use have surfaced, and say she has experimented with drugs since her days on the Mickey Mouse club. Whatever happened to playing with dolls and playing dress up, kids just experiment with cocaine nowadays? Geez.
Somehow Britney is more popular in the paparazzi then ever before. She has done nothing but pop out babies in between her popping pills, how does that constitute stardom? At least she still has her dignity. Yeah, I know I’m joking.
1. Amy Winehouse
“They tried to make me go to rehab” and I said GO, GO, GO. Amy oh Amy. Supposedly Miss Winehouse is on every drug imaginable. She has even been interviewed after smoking crack, and ADMITTED it. Talk about a PR problem.
Amy is undoubtedly the most cracked out person, not just celeb, PERSON on the face of this earth. I am surprised she is still breathing. Before this year is up, Amy will have crack tank with a breathing mask, dragging it around, taking hits all day long.
“ATTENTION ALL INCOMING FRESHMAN. IN ORDER TO RECIEVE YOUR FREE IPHONE PLEASE COME TO THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE BEFORE FRIDAY AND PLEASE HAVE YOUR ID READY. FOR YOUR FREE ITOUCH PLEASE COME TO THE REGISTRARS OFFICE BEFORE NEXT TUESDAY, ALSO WITH YOUR ID.”
That is an announcement similar to the one that incoming freshman at Abilene Christian University will be hearing next fall when the fresh meat arrive on campus. The small college in Abilene, Texas has decided to give out these free electronic devices, based on education.
It seems as though the University conducted a study in 2007 about the educational uses of the two products and found more then 15 reason a student should have one. Some of those reason are “homework alerts, in-class surveys, directions to classrooms and offices, and meal balance information, just to name a few.”
So for all you youngsters out there looking for a new iphone, but your parents just keep telling you to get a job or sell some crack, but your to lazy, here’s your opportunity to get one for free. Well almost free. There is that small cost of tuition, then housing, let’s not forget food, and the main reason for money in school….drinking.
Then again if you do go to school there and you really get desperate for green, you could always sell that junk on eBay. FREE DRINKS ON THE KID WITH NO IPHONE!!!
If I was a senior at that school I would be PISSED. I just went through 4-8 years of school at this hell hole and all I got was a frickin’ piece of paper?! Where is my damn apple product?! Huh?!
I grew up playing sports and I have my collection of shots to my groin firmly rooted in my brain, but this guy, he is truly never going to forget this one.
High School basketball Player Issac Sosa was playing in a game and got kneed in the berries and twigs as he was driving to the hoop. He was in pain but stayed in the game to play thru it, and eventually hit the game winning 3-pointer.
After the game his Granddaddy, sensing his grandson’s manhood may be out of whack, took him to the hospital where they gave him and MRI and turns out he had, are you ready, A FRACTURED TESTICLE. Wow. I didn’t even know that was possible.
The doctors said that part of the testicle will have to be removed, and in fact there is a small, and I hope for the boy, pebble small, chance the ENTIRE testicle will have to be removed.
Poor kid. Now he is never going to get laid. Then again, ain’t no bully in school ever going to mess with a kid who gave his right nut for his basketball team.
“There is somebody who is videotaping women’s rear-ends,” UCF police Officer Jeannette Emert said.
Haha, rear-ends. Awesome.
You know what the best part about this story is, this is completely legal. If I want to get a video camera out and go to the mall, I can record every luscious booty that comes within range of whatever video camera I just stole. That my friends, is freedom.
***By the way, that’s a dude in the picture. You perv.
This kid is 6 year’s old. He is in kindergarten. He loves to play with his poo. HE IS THE DEVIL!!!
This kid’s name is Bryan Ruda. He has a Mohawk, and this makes him a distraction at his school. It seems as though the kids are not able to concentrate during nap time because this kid’s hair is so rad and tubular, they just can’t stop staring.
He was suspended, yes, suspended, from his Ohio school. Not for beating some kid up, not for stealing the teacher’s condoms, not for cursing out some 2nd grader, for having a Mohawk on his head. What is the world coming to when a 6 year old can’t have a Mohawk on his head. I highly doubt he is listening to Marilyn Manson records contemplating to blow up the school cause these little 6-year old punks can’t respect his pimpness. In fact his mom is the one who cut his hair that way, not him.
If I were the mom I would give him a reverse Mohawk, where you let the hair on the sides grow out and then shave the middle, then give the administration the finger every-time she dropped the kid off for kindergarten.
Too bad the kid is suspended, now he will never be able to tie his shoes or eat paste correctly. God I love America.
