12 beers a day

I must say this story strikes me as odd, almost as odd as the little head phone jacks they have at the atms. PORN FOR THE BLIND is a community service organization that provides…yep, porn for the blind. How do they provide this?

Porn For The Blind is an organization that produces “audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult websites”.

So basically, they take the moans and groans and the “here it comes” and put it in audio format, very descriptively.

Straight from their website:

Porn for the Blind presents [website name].

This is a [clip length] preview clip located at [full URL including http://].

[brief description of the webpage]

OK, we’re starting the clip.

[description of the clip using only proper anatomical language (male, female, penis, vagina, breasts, etc.)]

This has been a Porn for the Blind presentation of [website name]. This was a [clip length] preview clip located at [full URL including http://]. Porn for the Blind is a nonprofit organization based in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

What makes this even better is YOU can submit your own audio recording for the blind here. So blind people are going to think I am frickin’ awesome in the sack! Hells yes.

Porn For the Blind website - For Sample audio clips.

**Thanks to My Chill Pill for the great information. And allowing me to use the word porn in two posts, back-to-back.

So me and my friends this weekend got on this topic about what is a gooch? We have always heard the word used and people called that, not to mention the occasional “She just showed her gooch” lines. Then we started to try and decipher what exactly a gooch is? Do women and men have gooches? Is it the same area as a taint? Well I googled it, and here are my findings.

Gooch, A.K.A. “grundle” is the area that attaches ones sac to ones ass-hole.

When i play sports, i have to powder my gooch to prevent extreme amounts of irritating sweat.

area between nuts and ass hole. guy cooch = gooch

i have cancer of the gooch

Skin between you nutsack and asshole

I have a huge gooch.

Dude, stop playin with your gooch.
I whacked it for 3 hours last night, and my gooch hurts like a bitch.

The piece of skin connecting the scrotum and testes to the poop chute. The gooch is also attached to the bacon strip which is located directly on the undercarriage of the testes.

I think i need to get deodorant for my gooch, it always sweats profusley, I think the gooch glands are swollen.

So far we have determined the gooch is a man part and not a female part. Interesting. So women must have taints and men must have gooches. It’s all starting to make sense to me know.

I may go into further detail on a seperate post later, but right now I am struggling to keep my opens and need to act like I want a job for a couple of hours. Start chugging away.

I’m not one to find dates off the internet. [By dates I mean girls who fellatio me.] Some guys use this method as a means to an end, and by end I mean they get laid, contract an std, go through years of therapy, and have their wallet stolen. So in honor of those men, I bring you the top 5 reasons why you should not look for a girlfriend on craigslist. And by reasons I mean I am going to post girls “Want” ads and make fun of them for your amusement.

***Ed. Note - These are real ads and pics that I took off craigslist - Atlanta.

1. I’m mad I love a laugh, hate being made to shut up - 19 (atlanta)

Right, I love to laugh, hate being made to shut up and am generally very good at making an absolute fool of myself. I love swimming and horse riding of which I try to do at least twice a week, but my good intentions go to waste by going out and getting drunk. I love going to the pubs and clubbing and most other activities. If you are happy with my profile, please let me know.

Ok, I’ll be nice because obviously she really wants a guy to call her and be her knight in shining armor. At least she is honest about going out and getting drunk on a daily basis. For that reason, and that reason only, I suggest you call her and boink her.

STD you are most likely to catch: Crabs.

2. Lunch tomorrow - 35 (Atlanta)

Hi there,

I am planning to relocate to Atlanta and will be in town today and tomorrow. I would love the opportunity to meet someone for lunch on Friday. I am single, professional, successful and excited about the opportunities.

Contact me if your interested in a first date with a Northern gal!

Best..

Consider her BANGED! 35 and wanting to go to lunch? Is she buying? Cause if so, I am definitely eating, and it won’t be a salad!!! ZOOM ZOOM. Ok, really, you expect to find a lunch date for Friday by posting on a Thursday? Not going to happen. You have to allow yourself at least 3 days grace period for a craigslist lunch date, if not your just wasting your time.

STD you are most likely to catch: None. She is 35 and looking on craigslist for a lunch date in ATL. Obviously not BANGED.

3. Looking for a date….. - 41 (Douglasville)

I am tired of going out alone, I would like to find someone to go out with. Ideally a SWM between the ages of 35-45.
I am a SWF 5′1″, brown hair with blond highlights, blue eyes, thick/curvy figure (38DD) Very pretty smile.
I am very flirty, witty, love to laugh Your pic gets mine.

Yes, that is her pic, straight from the site. Hope I am not breaking any copyright laws. You know this bitch is butt ugly when you put up a picture of a sunset instead of you. You can always use the FGAS[Fat girl angle shot] if you are that ugly. You can drop 30 pounds by holding the camera up, pushing your huge boobs out, and snapping the photog. Easy. I guess the mood she was trying to set with the sunset was supposed to make me feel as if she was sensitive and caring. Instead it made me feel she was fat and alone. ZING!

STD you are most likely to catch: A step child and gonnorhea. Trust me, she has both.

4. Who knows…. - 24 (Georgia)

I’m not sure what I’m looking for…I think I’m posting out of pure boredom….lol.
I really would like to make friends and see where it leads. Im a black female (as u can see from the pics)looking for a SINGLE, male ages 21-30. Please provide a pic for a response.

And yes, I am REAL…lol

Who Knows…. So original. It took her all of 2 seconds to come up with that catchy headline. I am so glad she is so witty. If she did not tell me she was a black female I would never have known, that pic looks white to me. Why do I have to be a SINGLE male if she is just looking for friends? All these rules, this bitch is controlling.

STD you are most likely to catch: Herpes Simplex 1. “I use valtrex during outbreaks.” Sure you do.

5. I am fun and easy going person - 22 (Atlanta)

I am fun and easy going person. I am a very artistic and creative. I love all types of music and I love to go out dancing and like to have a good time. I am a great conversationalist and am very open. I am honest and truthful and dependable. Just ask me anything you like to know and I will tell you everything then. I dream about perfect date with clever, kind and gently man, who will love me and trust me, I dream about nice evening under the moon with some Champaign near with ocean, I want to see many stars and feel aromas of beautiful flowers with him.

Just ask you anything I like huh? Can you spell champagne? Do you do anal? No seriously though, are you Asian? That has always been a dream of mine. “Me love you longtime” is the only phrase I want you to converse with me. Talking is an over-rated part of a craigslist relationship anyway. Only sex and fellating should be included in the headlines.

STD you are most likely to catch: If she is asian you will get whatever STD asian people get. That one that makes your penis shrink to the size of your pinky toe. It’s real, google that shit.

Now go out there and find yourselves a good woman on craigslist. Just be sure to always wear a rain coat, and if she won’t let you play on the infield, turn her over and play in the dirt. ZOOM ZOOM!

Following this newscast the little kid was interviewed by me and here is the exclusive, just for my dedicated readers:

12b: So what do you do for fun?

Kid: I kill bitches, cause I be gangsta son. You don’t mess with t-bonez.

12b: I like your name. Do you have any “Hoes”?

Kid: Punkass, you my hoe, your mom’s my hoe, all them bitches outs in the skreets is my hoes. Cuz I be gangsta, and I will cut you.

12b: I had no idea you knew my mom. Small world. Is there any chance at all you will graduate from High School?

Kid: Is you kiddin man? I be out of school by next year, cuz if I ain’ts then I be takin lives. CUZ I BE GANGSTA BITCH!

The kid proceeded to pull out his plastic 9 and make gun shots in my general direction while stealing his grandma’s purse.

And when I say humping, I mean dry humping, in public, fully clothed, against their permission. Why you ask? Cause they are frickin’ hott.

Miley Cyrus - This girl is only like 15 years old, so she is destined to become hotter. Her dad is Billy Ray, so you know she is destined to become skankier. It’s a win-win for everybody.

Hayden Panettiere - She is blond. She already tempts me by dressing up like a high school cheerleader. She is blond. She was so cute as a 11 year old in “Remember the Titans”. Did I mention that she is blond?

Jamie Lynn Spears - Why not? It’s not like she can get pregnant from it? Oh wait. How about, what other guy can claim he has banged Britney Spears sister? Oh wait again.

The Olsen Twins - Cause they are so damn cute. (Ed. note - In GA., uncle Jesse would be considered a child molester.)

And last but not least, these two lovely ladies. I can’t post the pics because they are copyrighted, but you can see them if you click this link.

I just could not resist myself.

Looking for something to do this weekend, I have your plans right here.

For guys: Go out, get really shit faced and go and talk to a girl that by your 12th beer you THINK looks like this:

But REALLY looks like this:

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”

For the Ladies weekend plans: Go out and drink as many fruity alcoholic beverages as possible, then go talk to a guy, that buy your 6th drink looks like this:

But in reality, looks like THIS:

[Ed. Note - I was going to put a picture of me as the guy your were talking to Drunk, so just pretend I look like Brad Pitt.]

Follow these strict rules and you also can have a great friday night.

We’ve all been there. At the bar/club, out with our friends having a good time. Shaking our bon bons to livin la vida loca, grinding on the one drunk person that is more wasted then you. Gazing on the dance floor for that special person that is going to catch your attention for the next 2 hours. Alcohol is a hell of a friend. It helps us all pick out people, that sober, we would be to ashamed to talk to, but drunk, they look like Brad Pitt/Jessica Alba. So I’m here to be your guide. Guide to what you ask? Hop along for the ride.

How to get that guy home - Lessons for Women

Girls, girls, girls. Here you go. I am about to spill the beans on how to get that guy you are longing for to go home with you…when your drunk.

Rule Number 1: This is the main rule to picking up guys. Make sure; make DAMN sure, they are drunk. The uglier you are, the drunker they HAVE to be. Beer goggles only work so well ladies. If you see a half sober guy walking around, that’s a pass. If you see a guy fumbling his drinks, tripping on his own feet, drooling a little on his favorite shirt: SCORE! Talk to him. At first, the drool may throw you off, but your not here to speed date, your goal is to get the young man home. From there you are on your own.

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule does not apply.

Rule Number 2: Don’t get a guy who is so shit-housed that he is going to pass out on you during the walk/drive home. (Disclaimer: Please don’t drink and drive, I do it all the time and is so STUPID!) If the dildo passes out on you, you will be left snooping through his wallet to find out if he is loaded, and whether or not the next day you want to try and convince him to buy you something nice. If you’re a gold digger, well, ignore this rule and proceed with the wallet investigation.

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule does not apply.

Rule Number 3: This is one of the most important rules, so jot this down. Be positive his friends, HIS FRIENDS, are beyond intoxicated before initiating the “come home with me” conversation, unless you are an incredibly hot girl. Guys, believe it or not, look out for one another…occasionally. If you are a less than stellar looking woman, you must make sure his friends are drunk, so they won’t talk him/drag him out of going with you. Your best friend at these moments should be Jaeger shots. Buy rounds for his friends, not him. You don’t want him to end up like rule number 2.

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule does not apply.

Rule Number 4: The catch. The easiest and most effective way to get a guy to go home with you from the bar, simple: Grab His Crotch. What straight man is going to turn that down? Huh? Guys, am I right?

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule does not apply. But do it anyway for a randy good time later.How to get that girl home - Lessons for Men

My brothers I have not forgotten about ye. Get your notepads out, I am about to lay it out for you in terms you can understand on how to get that girl home.

Rule Number 1: Hide from your friends. At this point your beer goggles should be on full blast, and having any of your friends around, guy or girl friends, will impede you from picking out easy prey. Hearing the occasional “she is ugly man” is ok, but hearing it from 4 different people 4 different times will affect your game. Ditch them for the moment. Once you find your catch, hook her, and bring her in to the group. Make sure she does not stray to far from the circle, this way no one will have the opportunity to tell you if she is ugly or not.

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule does not apply.

Rule Number 2: Buy her friends drinks. Please remember to make them happy and get them drunk. Unlike with your guy friends just keeping you from ugly girls when they are sober, women will protect their friends from every wandering penis in sight if they don’t like the looks of them, or if they themselves, are sober. You have to make her friends happy and/or drunk in order to even be able to have a conversation with your interest, let alone go home with her. Women are like a pack of wolves, they won’t leave one behind, unless they are to damn drunk to remember that wolf just got taken home by a rhino.

Disclaimer: For hot chicks this rule DEFINTELY DOES apply.

Rule Number 3: Go after a girl who is drunk, but not shitty drunk. Shitty drunk means she is taking shots every 5 minutes and trying to make out with every guy that walks by her on their way to the bathroom. You don’t want this girl. This girl is most likely going to have issues later on in the night, ex: extended trips to the toilet and/or trashcan. It’s just a fact that most women, and I say MOST women ladies so don’t yell, cannot handle large amounts of alcohol without Mr. Up-chuck stopping by for a visit. Holding a girl’s hair back from the toilet was not the position you had in mind, I’m sure.

Rule Number 4: Act like you give a shit what the drunken girl is saying. Women love, LOVE, to be listened to. They can talk for days about God knows what. If you pretend you are interested in what a drunken girl has to say, she will most likely talk to you for a good bit. Women like to hear themselves talk and guys don’t really care as long as he can glance down your shirt every now and then.

Note to women: Wear a low cut shirt.

Rule Number 5: At one point in the night make it rain on them hoes. Why not?

Please, please, PLEASE, keep in mind that these rules only apply when you and your object of desire, or objects, are drunk. Sober, you’re on your own, I suck at sober talking.

Any questions?

So in keeping with my Jackson 5 theme from yesterday, I decided to do a little experiment. I have always wondered what Michael would have grown up to look like had he not had plastic surgery, dyed his skin whiter than mine, and put a finger in little boys poopie holes.

So thank God for photoshop. I created my version on what Mike would look like after growing up normal, or normal for a rich person with ungodly amounts of money.

Here is the young Michael

So young so innocent. My how far the mighty have fallen. But with my genius experiment we can all now see what Michael would have looked like.

Michael today without plastic surgery.

Straight Gangsta. Straight G-A-N-G-S-T-A. Enough said.

“One day you could become the Democratic nominee for President.”

The contest winner is nate from natespost.com. I laughed at this, just because I could really see it happening. Thanks for those who participated. And don’t forget to visit natespost.com and let him drop some knowledge on you.

Coming up this weekend, I am going to give some “get laid” advice. For guys and girls. Trust me. It’ll be well worth your time. Or at least you will laugh. Or maybe make fun of me. Either way. Check it out. Do it. This weekend. Bitch.

Who wants an extra $50 bucks? I know I do. My blogger friend Nate is having a contest to win $50 of his unemployment check. That’s right. His unemployment money. Which means he doesn’t have a job. Which means he is going to miss out on like a months supply of ramen noodles by giving this money away. Which means he is losing a bj from a hooker in Miami by doing this. Which means…you get the idea.

Here is his site here. Go check it out, and sign up and try and gank his green. I am. And if I win, I’m getting drunk with it. What else better to do with the governments moolah? Well, maybe that whole hooker thing.