12 beers a day

Is the world coming to an end? Heidi and Spencer from “The Hills” fame have started up a social-networking site. For those not familiar with social-networking sites, get your head out of your ass and Google facebook or myspace. Better yet, go to my myspace and add me as a friend.

Speidiweb is the innovative name of their brain child creation. It’s their names combined, get it, Spencer + Heidi = shoot me in my motherf*cking head.

“Heidi and I just launched SPEIDIWEB which is our ALL NEW website, blog, and social network. I have 6 new blogs posted this week. We will both be uploading EXCLUSIVE content directly from our cell phones 3-5 times per week.”

Awesome, EXCLUSIVE content from their cell phones! The quality will be amazing. I can’t wait to join and promote my penis as a member. I’m sure Heidi will add me as a friend then. SWEET!

***Ed. Note - The Site is currently down, so this could all be a facecious rumor, one can only pray. My source says it is from traffic overload.

Not much going on the world today for me to write about then make really sarcastic and stupid jokes, so here is a quick synopsis of the world around us, followed by my hottie of the week - Noureen DeWulf.

Tatum O’neal was arrested for Cocaine.

Sex and the City made a whopping $55.7 in its opening weekend at the box office.

Universal Studios caught on fire, but they re-opened today.

And now here is your hottie.

“I’m getting a lil’ too old for this shit”

Following in the footsteps of the never aging Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy is making a return to the role that made him famous, Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop 4. I understand that Indiana Jones and the skull movie made a killing this last opening weekend, but I don’t think the Beverly Hills Cop series is quite as popular as the George Lucas produced Movies are. I don’t have a clue what the synopsis is going to be, but here is my idea for it.

Axel Foley goes undercover in the nursing home. Someone is stealing the old ladies’ dirty diapers. Could it be Amy Winehouse who is running out of her lifetime supply of depends? Foley must infiltrate the Grand-mafia (Get it, Grand for grandpa and grandma) and find out who this shit stealer is.

That sounds like an hour and half of pure action in a bottle right there. This movie is destined to break all box office records if they give me a role as sidekick Rock Cathaway, a witty and charming ladies man hell bent on sleeping with every hot girl that walks across my peripherals. Boobs on screen and everything. You know you would watch that. Bitches.

So it seems that New York ladies get it on more then the average woman. The show/movie “Sex and the City” definitely put on that front, so the NY Daily News did a study and came up with some interesting numbers.

We did the math, punched in some numbers and calculated that during the course of 94 episodes and six seasons, the women of “Sex and the City” hit the sheets with a combined total of 94 men and one woman.

I can count, and that is one man for every episode filmed, and one woman for every 94 episodes. No more tickling of the cat goes on in New York? I gotta think that number is a little higher in real life. Speaking of real life…

Of the four women, public relations exec Samantha racked up the most sexual partners. She bedded 41 men and one woman, while Carrie hooked up with 18, Charlotte 18 and Miranda 17.

Everyone has a “number.” But how many is too many and were the “Sex and the City” women oversexed?

Definitely - compared to the average American woman, who has nine sex partners in a lifetime, according to a survey by the Durex brand of condoms. But compared to the average New Yorker, they were right on target.

So the average American woman has 9 sex partners through-out her life span? Really? Only 9? Yet some 40-something PR exec who is not even the least bit hot is going to bang 41 just while she is in her late 30’s early 40’s? Really HBO?

“I stopped counting at 56,” says Christine, 35, a locations director from Bayside who lives in SoHo. “There are so many opportunities to meet men here - bars, restaurants, clubs, walking down the street, the deli. Men are everywhere.”

So basically that sealed the deal. I am officially moving to New York to become a man-whore on the streets. Ready willing and able to pleasure any woman I meet for a maximum of 3 minutes. More if they offer to feed me before or after, hell even during, I’m kinky like that.

I used to love Will Ferrell till he started doing the same movie over and over and over again. For some reason I am expecting a Penis to flash at some point during this movie, just like on Dewey Cox. At least this movie isn’t based on a sport, and it has cursing in the trailer, so I am bound to laugh at some parts. Enjoy the trailer.

Nick Hogan and Hulk Hogan have a taped conversation in which they speak about the man that Nick put in a vegetative state when wrecking his “2 fast 2 furious” car after downing a couple brews. Don’t drink and Drive kids.

Hasn’t this poor guy been thru enough? He is laying in a bed in a coma which he may possibly never come out of. Nick and Hulk Hogan’s reasons for him being in a coma, he has a negative persona about him. Seriously. That’s pretty much what their entire conversation is about. It has nothing to do that Nick wrecked his car at over 100 mph into a telephone poll, nope, bad attitude. I hope Nick gets butt raped 1000 times over in jail. I don’t care that you got in a wreck and pretty much killed a guy, but OWN up to it, don’t keep making excuses.

Amy Winehouse is wearing a diaper? What? You read that right, and they have pics to prove it. Don’t hate on her cause she is from London! Amy Winehouse is what we call a trend setter. So watch out. In 2 years we will all be wearing gold plated diapers.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly engaged…to that thing you see walking her in the picture…that thing that has a vajayjay and is named Samantha Ronson. According to Britain’s Daily Star Newspaper, Lohan is looking into a partnership ceremony that will be performed at Dollywood. Ronson is a DJ, Lohan is a trainwreck, so this is a Lesbo marriage made in Heaven. I may have believed this too, but Dollywood? What the hell? What Hollywood starlet would get married at Dollywood? There is a 73% chance that this is just a rumor and that is all.

When I say exclusive, it usually means I found this on the Internet and am telling it to you, my faithful reader. I broke this story a couple months ago, and now you know I am telling the truth, but Cleveland from Family Guy is getting his own show. And here is the theme song from it.

So this guy won American Idol last night. His name is David Cook, and he is about to be the next Taylor Hicks/Rueben Studdard. Do they people who run this show realize that so far the most successful male singer from this show was Chris Daughtry who wasn’t even in the top 5 I don’t think. Always, always, pick a winner with a vagina. At least if she can’t sing she can do Playboy and be rich and hoeyful for life.

Roll that beautiful bean footage…

Ed. Note - I don’t watch this crap, so this is the first, and most likely the only clip, I will ever see or hear of this guy singing.

This your Hollywood catchup. Basically, nothing interesting is going on in the world today that I can poke fun at, so I am here to help you keep up with the gossip that is what we all know as Hollywood.

“I do…like poo”

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married. For those of you who do not recognize those names, that would be Hottie Jessica Simpson’s sister, and that guy that plays in that band called “Fall out boy”. I didn’t know these two were dating until like two weeks ago, where I am presuming that Ashlee Simpson found out she got pregnant by him which in turn made her crazy ass manager dad Joe Simpson threaten to kill every human being within 100 yards unless Pete agreed to marry her, thus sparking a emo/lip synching wundercouple to be formed in the form of Ashlee and Pete. I think I remember from that show 2 guys a girl and pizza place. Google it.

**Sidenote - Ashlee did learn from her big sister’s mistake though, and made that bitch sign a prenup. Which actually kind of baffles me, because unlike her sister, I don’t think Ashlee is the breadwinner in this family. Oh well. Marry me Jessica.

“Drip drip drip”

R&B singer R. Kelly is starting his long legal battle today in his child-porn case. I can see how this is really big news since this story actually broke like 5 years ago. How is it that someone can be VIDEOTAPED having SEX with and UNDERAGE girl, have that EVIDENCE leaked onto the INTERNET for ALL the world to SEE, and somehow it takes FOREVER to put him on trial. How does he expect to get out of this? I’m pretty sure he will testify today and his statements will be as follows:

R.Kelly: That ain’t me.

Judge: Well, why didn’t you just say so, your free to go rub on her booty, boooooty, booooboooboooooty!

Now that you know how it is going to play out in court, go run out and buy his new hit single, poo on my pee pee, or check it on his myspace page!

Come on now, did you think I was serious?

I am actually really looking forward to this movie coming out, mostly because Ironman plays a white man who is playing a black man in a movie. Got that? Watch the preview perv.