12 beers a day

Ignore the headline to the magazine cover, because the next one is going to say “I’M NO LONGER PREGNANT”. Trust me. I’m smart about these things. Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl this morning at a hospital in Mississippi. The 17 year old nickelodeon star had the baby with just her family around, including her Older sibling fuckup Britney Spears.

I can just hear this family at Christmas this year…

Jamie: This damn baby won’t stop crying. What do I do Britney?

Britney: Just go marry one of your back-up dancers, then go crazy and start snorting crack all the time, while at the same time stopping for a cheeseburger every 20 minutes in between your binge drinking.

Jamie: But Britney, I already married my 19 year old boyfriend, who may not even be the father of my child.

Britney: May not be the father? Hmmmmmmmm…. KEVIN!!!

Kevin: Oh hell.

I’m not saying that Kevin would be in the same room, let alone the same state as those two crack jobs, but somehow “Father of the year” K-fed would be pulled into this. I know how these things work. Damn fantasy of sleeping with my girl’s much to younger sister. Always gets me in trouble.

Columbia pictures has signed a deal that will bring the little blue monglings known as the Smurfs, to the big screen. The movie will be part of a celebration of the Smurfs 50-year anniversary.

In order for it to be considered an anniversary, don’t they actually have to be around, working or something? Like if I die today, I’m pretty sure in July that no one is going to be celebrating my birthday, cause I’ll be what they call in science, dead. I have not heard a peep from the Smurfs since I was an 11-year old kid stuffing my pie hole with ding dongs.

One thing I could never figure out about this show was there was only like one lady Smurf. I call her “Smurf slutty”. I would have a case of major blue balls if I was a Smurf competing against 98 other dude Smurfs trying to lay the pipe to “Smurf Slutty”. Get it? Blue balls. Cause I’m a frickin Smurf. And they are all blue. Including their balls.

Supposedly the movie will be just like the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie, which had Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, yes I named those without google, as computer generated characters and had humans playing alongside them. I guess this movie made decent money so Columbia thought, wtf mate.

I don’t know how many people have seen the previews yet for this movie coming out, but it looks like it can be either hilariously great, or retardedly disappointing. Either way, I will go watch it, mostly due to the fact of this spoof at the MTV Movie Awards recently, which gave me the impression that Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr., and Jack Black have good chemistry on scene.

And here is the trailer again for Tropic Thunder, the movie.

Is the world coming to an end? Heidi and Spencer from “The Hills” fame have started up a social-networking site. For those not familiar with social-networking sites, get your head out of your ass and Google facebook or myspace. Better yet, go to my myspace and add me as a friend.

Speidiweb is the innovative name of their brain child creation. It’s their names combined, get it, Spencer + Heidi = shoot me in my motherf*cking head.

“Heidi and I just launched SPEIDIWEB which is our ALL NEW website, blog, and social network. I have 6 new blogs posted this week. We will both be uploading EXCLUSIVE content directly from our cell phones 3-5 times per week.”

Awesome, EXCLUSIVE content from their cell phones! The quality will be amazing. I can’t wait to join and promote my penis as a member. I’m sure Heidi will add me as a friend then. SWEET!

***Ed. Note - The Site is currently down, so this could all be a facecious rumor, one can only pray. My source says it is from traffic overload.

Not much going on the world today for me to write about then make really sarcastic and stupid jokes, so here is a quick synopsis of the world around us, followed by my hottie of the week - Noureen DeWulf.

Tatum O’neal was arrested for Cocaine.

Sex and the City made a whopping $55.7 in its opening weekend at the box office.

Universal Studios caught on fire, but they re-opened today.

And now here is your hottie.

“I’m getting a lil’ too old for this shit”

Following in the footsteps of the never aging Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy is making a return to the role that made him famous, Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop 4. I understand that Indiana Jones and the skull movie made a killing this last opening weekend, but I don’t think the Beverly Hills Cop series is quite as popular as the George Lucas produced Movies are. I don’t have a clue what the synopsis is going to be, but here is my idea for it.

Axel Foley goes undercover in the nursing home. Someone is stealing the old ladies’ dirty diapers. Could it be Amy Winehouse who is running out of her lifetime supply of depends? Foley must infiltrate the Grand-mafia (Get it, Grand for grandpa and grandma) and find out who this shit stealer is.

That sounds like an hour and half of pure action in a bottle right there. This movie is destined to break all box office records if they give me a role as sidekick Rock Cathaway, a witty and charming ladies man hell bent on sleeping with every hot girl that walks across my peripherals. Boobs on screen and everything. You know you would watch that. Bitches.

So it seems that New York ladies get it on more then the average woman. The show/movie “Sex and the City” definitely put on that front, so the NY Daily News did a study and came up with some interesting numbers.

We did the math, punched in some numbers and calculated that during the course of 94 episodes and six seasons, the women of “Sex and the City” hit the sheets with a combined total of 94 men and one woman.

I can count, and that is one man for every episode filmed, and one woman for every 94 episodes. No more tickling of the cat goes on in New York? I gotta think that number is a little higher in real life. Speaking of real life…

Of the four women, public relations exec Samantha racked up the most sexual partners. She bedded 41 men and one woman, while Carrie hooked up with 18, Charlotte 18 and Miranda 17.

Everyone has a “number.” But how many is too many and were the “Sex and the City” women oversexed?

Definitely - compared to the average American woman, who has nine sex partners in a lifetime, according to a survey by the Durex brand of condoms. But compared to the average New Yorker, they were right on target.

So the average American woman has 9 sex partners through-out her life span? Really? Only 9? Yet some 40-something PR exec who is not even the least bit hot is going to bang 41 just while she is in her late 30’s early 40’s? Really HBO?

“I stopped counting at 56,” says Christine, 35, a locations director from Bayside who lives in SoHo. “There are so many opportunities to meet men here - bars, restaurants, clubs, walking down the street, the deli. Men are everywhere.”

So basically that sealed the deal. I am officially moving to New York to become a man-whore on the streets. Ready willing and able to pleasure any woman I meet for a maximum of 3 minutes. More if they offer to feed me before or after, hell even during, I’m kinky like that.

I used to love Will Ferrell till he started doing the same movie over and over and over again. For some reason I am expecting a Penis to flash at some point during this movie, just like on Dewey Cox. At least this movie isn’t based on a sport, and it has cursing in the trailer, so I am bound to laugh at some parts. Enjoy the trailer.

Nick Hogan and Hulk Hogan have a taped conversation in which they speak about the man that Nick put in a vegetative state when wrecking his “2 fast 2 furious” car after downing a couple brews. Don’t drink and Drive kids.

Hasn’t this poor guy been thru enough? He is laying in a bed in a coma which he may possibly never come out of. Nick and Hulk Hogan’s reasons for him being in a coma, he has a negative persona about him. Seriously. That’s pretty much what their entire conversation is about. It has nothing to do that Nick wrecked his car at over 100 mph into a telephone poll, nope, bad attitude. I hope Nick gets butt raped 1000 times over in jail. I don’t care that you got in a wreck and pretty much killed a guy, but OWN up to it, don’t keep making excuses.

Amy Winehouse is wearing a diaper? What? You read that right, and they have pics to prove it. Don’t hate on her cause she is from London! Amy Winehouse is what we call a trend setter. So watch out. In 2 years we will all be wearing gold plated diapers.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly engaged…to that thing you see walking her in the picture…that thing that has a vajayjay and is named Samantha Ronson. According to Britain’s Daily Star Newspaper, Lohan is looking into a partnership ceremony that will be performed at Dollywood. Ronson is a DJ, Lohan is a trainwreck, so this is a Lesbo marriage made in Heaven. I may have believed this too, but Dollywood? What the hell? What Hollywood starlet would get married at Dollywood? There is a 73% chance that this is just a rumor and that is all.

When I say exclusive, it usually means I found this on the Internet and am telling it to you, my faithful reader. I broke this story a couple months ago, and now you know I am telling the truth, but Cleveland from Family Guy is getting his own show. And here is the theme song from it.