12 beers a day

BOOTY SWEAT, BOOTY SWEAT, LET ME GET THAT BOOTY SWEAT!!! What will these high-paid executives come up with next? The Bachelor Guy reports that Hollywood execs are turning this fictitious energy drink from the movie “Tropic Thunder” into a real product.

I can see it now…

Customer: Hey Bartender!!

Bartender: What can I get for you?

Customer: Man, you got that booty sweat and vodka here? Or how bout a jaeger-booty?

Bartender: Aw man, you can’t handle that jaeger-booty dawg.

Customer: Bitch you crazy, give me four jaeger-booties son!!!! I love that sweaty BOOTY!!!!

Good times, good times.

You know those mastercard commercials where they go “blow job at the theater: priceless”? Well I now have my own one.

Fun night at the bar: $45

Plastic Duck in trash pile: $10

Ticket from the City of Remerton for stealing plastic duck in trash pile: $750

Having a great and funny/stupid idiot story to tell all your friends and blog about: Priceless

That’s right ladies and gentleman, I now owe the great city of Remerton GA. $750 for stealing a plastic lawn duck. Basically looks very similar to the picture above. Why did I get this ticket? I barely remember since I was blackout drunk by this point, but supposedly you should not pick a duck up out of someone’s trash pile and then walk through someone’s yard with it because the cops here will put you in handcuffs and threaten to arrest you.

All I have to say is….LESSON LEARNED.

This is an ingenious idea that I just felt was perfect to be featured on 12beersaday.com. The Beer Belly Cooler. Basically it’s a cooler that you wear strapped around your chest. When you put on a shirt it looks like a beer belly.

The belly holds 80 oz of booze. So instead of going to your athletic events and paying out the ass for booze, now you can just bring your own. Who is going to pat you down on your gut? No one from my understanding, unless she wants me balls.

There is also a nifty gadget for the ladies as well.

The WineRack. Not only does this hold over a bottle of wine, but it increases your boob size 2 cups. Which means once you and the random dude your hitting on at the ball game decide to go home together, neither of you are going to remember your flat chested. Genius.

I love football and I love college, together those words equal football college, then backwards plus together they equal college football. I’m a genius, don’t doubt me. College Football is the great American past time. To make it complete all you need to do is throw some booze, co-eds, and drinking games in the mix, and now we have what we like to call a tailgate.

Now that my great and wonderful description of tail-gating has fully entertained you, go to Uncoached where they have many numerous pictures of hott co-eds ranked in order from the Top tail-gating school in the nation down. Did I mention Hott co-eds?

What better way to enjoy the delicious gummie snack known as gummie bears then to eat gummie bears that are made with 85% absinthe.

The only way to get the hallucinogenic bears is to order an espresso at some company in New York.

The bad news?  You’re not allowed to order by the plate-load. One bear per espresso. Frown yes, but it’s definitely something worth trying. 

And to quote UD, “You won’t want to take on a beast like this on an empty stomach.”

You can order some absinthe lollipops here though. 4 for $10 bucks. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Thanks College OTR and Uncoached

Just to clarify, I was laying on the floor because it was cold and felt great on my body.

I am pretty fuckin’ retarded hungover right now. My weekend = rocked. You know what that means? It means I am awesome and you love me and want to have my kids. I want a boy, or I will kill you. Simple. You do what I say or I kill you. Any questions?

By the way, I am joking. I am thinking of pursuing a career in stand-up comedy because I love laughing, and regardless of whether people laugh at me or not, I still laugh, so the night will be great for me. In other words, you should laugh at me, because I am awesome and hilarious, and have the biggest nipples you have ever seen in your life. Seriously, that’s what she said. Who is this she, by the way?

Things I learned this weekend: I should not drink on Sundays. I should call in sick when I have been drinking on Sundays. I want some rice right now. Kayaking is way more fun when doing it with an awesome person in the same kayak. Losing sunglasses is way easier to handle when they are not expensive. I hate mondays, hence the name of this post.

Sunday is a day for recovering for me. Great drunken weekends followed by long work weeks are not good combinations. Here is my weekend recap:

Friday - Started drinking when I got off work at Noon and did not stop till I was handcuffed by a cop on a power trip for picking up a plastic duck on the side of the right. What makes it that much better is I was right outside of my apartment complex, having almost completed the drunken journey home from the bar without falling or peeing on myself. Ticket given and remembered the next day: Charge with disorderly conduct-theft. Great one douche.

Saturday - Again, start drinking at noon, mostly because I wanted to forget I got a stupid ticket and it was my good friends graduation this weekend also. Did not stop drinking until I passed out in my bed. Once again, walked home, made sure not to touch a single thing, in fact walked with my hands tied into my pockets. Never again will I do the city a favor and pick up trash on the side of the road. No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

And here is your daily dose of laughter.

Coming this weekend. Starring Chandler from 12beersaday.com…

I am bored at work and playing around on photoshop. I would suggest you save this picture as the background on your computer. Then after you do, you will probably get laid ten times more then you already do, which is most likely none if your reading this blog. Why? Because I am definitely the most popular guy on the planet at the moment. Besides, what other bloggers do you know who put their faces out there like that? Huh? None. I am a man child beast who will eat your young and kick large goats in the balls.

The title should make sense by the end of this post. Weekends are great. This weekend was probably the best weekend in April ever for me, and I am old, so therefore lots of Aprils have come and gone throughout my life.

Weekend Recap for me

I had way more then 12 beers this weekend.

Parties in fields, in the state of GA, in the middle of nowhere, with truck beds full of ice and beer, should be required every month in the USA.

Digital cameras and bar room floors don’t mix very well.

Air conditioners can be knocked off their cement blocks by stumbling and bumbling drunk people.

Drinking till 3 am and then getting up to start drinking again at 10 am could possibly classify you as an alcoholic, unless your me, then your just a damn machine.

Having loads of beer poured all over you is quite refreshing, and makes a good aphrodisiac.

Steroids and drinking lead to confrontations.

Fair skinned people should always wear sunblock. Regardless.

Laughing is probably the greatest invention ever.

Here is the video to go along with the title of this post. I laughed, hope you do to.

Talking Goat

Karaoke is awesome. Probably the greatest invention since those Swiss bastards invented cheese. What is better then karaoke you ask? Karaoke at a bar, drunk. Which is exactly what I was doing monday night, and here is the horrid video of me trying to remember the words to Nelly’s “Country Grammar”.

The Guys singing!
 

It is definitely not “hot shit”.

So It got me thinking, what are some of the top karaoke songs to wail out at the bar. Well, here is the 12beersaday.com top karaoke songs. Songs are ranked on the possibility that the crowd will get involved with you while singing.

5. Don’t Stop Believing - Journey

4. Summer of ‘69 - Bryan Adams

3. I will survive - Diana King

2. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

1. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

What you don’t agree? Then give me your opinions and the list shall be revised. Why? Because I am to please, and if it was me it would be all Ashlee Simpson songs. Slut.