12 beers a day

It’s a sad day in the comedy world as it is reported that Late Night talk show hose Jimmy Kimmel and his comedian girlfriend Sarah Silverman have broken up after a 5 year relationship.

I wonder if it had anything to do with her f*ckin Matt Damon or him f*cking Ben Affleck?

And you just thought I was making up them f*cking those two. Now your like, “Dude, they made songs about that, totally rad. I am gonna make a video called “”I just got wasted and woke up f*ckin a whale”" sweet”. Don’t do it dude.

Seriously though, 5 years is a long time whether your famous or not. I can’t even make a relationship last 3 months. After 5 years I would probably wake up in gutter with my kidney taken out and only 3 hours to live. Thank God I am only trying to kill my liver after 3 months.

Jennifer Ellison, See above - Tasty Booze

Fresno State girls shotgun a beer - Busted Coverage

How the new iphone will make you broke - CO-ED Magazine

Dogs + running in front of bikes at the Tour de France = Ouch - Part Mule

“We are so easy to make fun of.”

I have seen these videos popping up on other sites, and I just can’t help but laugh. It’s like watching something off the Discovery channel. I can hear the commentary now.

Watch closely as the guido sneaks up on his prey with their patented slide to the left, slowly going into his flailing arms routine. Notice the appearance of the capri jeans worn by the male guido, with loads of hair gel to protect him from oncoming intruders. A quick poke and his enemy is done for. He then goes to his twirl, followed by his “slick my hair back” arm move. This signals the females he is ready to mate. Feeling fully dismissed by the females he then signals his “boy” to come and take a try. This one is wearing a protective shell over his head, probably out of hair gel for the day. Oh my, there is the slap your face move, signaling to the other guidos that he is truly a douche. I think he is busting into the MC Hammer. I have never seen this move before. What does it mean I wonder? Females still seem unresponsive to their demands. Now it’s time for the Riverdance, the mating call of the King of the douches. Oh and a female seems to be responding, yet guido is to entranced by the camera to forget about himself and turn around. After the somewhat jumping jack, female is no longer available. Poor guido. Too Bad these animals are not going extinct.

That is a whole 30 minute episode right there.

I’m a tad bit late on this story, but I am a sucker for divorce cases, especially when the divorce cases are revolved around someone spending over $3,000 a month on internet porn.

Christie Brinkley is definitely a hottie and most definitely a MILF. Sure, she has been out of the spotlight for a couple of years, but this lady has still got it going on. I would rail her from 8:00 to 8:03 on a daily basis, no doubt. Her husband, now ex-husband, is some no name architect dude. He is not famous. He is not rich. He is nothing except the toolbag who was married to Christie Brinkley and then had sex with a much younger intern of his, while at the same time this dude had porn subscriptions upwards of 3 grand a month. 3 GRAND!!! I don’t even pay $19.95 for the 3 hour block of porn on Spice, let alone spend $3,000 a month on Porn. That’s like 78 car payments on my ford pento.

What I find so great about this divorce story is that Christie Brinkley did absolutely nothing wrong but be a loving and caring mother and wife, and yet she still ended up having to pay this douchebag of a husband $2.1 million dollars in the divorce. That will at least keep his porn habit in check for a couple of months.

The happy ending in all of this is that Christie Brinkley is now single and available. I am a hot young stud that is looking for a rich older woman. Do you see the connection here? Yeah. Me neither. I just want to bang her, make a porn with her, sell it for lots of cash, and enhance the size of my goods digitally just so I can call myself long dong silver. Hi ho and away.

You did not think I would forget the hottness for the week now did you? Shame shame. This weeks hottie is Keeley Hazell, a model from England, which according to her Wikipedia page, is noted for her LARGE natural breasts. Score one for boobies. She also has her own website here. Keeley Hazell is officially my BANGED girl of the week. Trust me. I deliver.

Thanks to Uncoached for the inspiration.

Reality TV shows = Great TV. Unless it’s any one of these shows.

1. America’s Next Top Model
2. Any Reality Show on MTV.
3. Anything on CBS.

Basically anything that is not on VH-1. They have the trashiest, skankiest people on their shows, which is hard to do considering MTV has the “Real World”.

Anyways, someone put together a post of the most cliche’ line ever to be used on reality TV.

Who said I wanted to be your friend anyways? I just wanted you to tickle my num nums.

For those of you who actually think I would post that horrific video on this website, do me a favor, go to the mirror and pull out a razor, now with that razor take and carve into your forehead “I’m a douche”. Thanks. Tasty booze inspired to me to put this up on my site. I give them credit cause I love their site.

Also for those who have not seen 2 girls 1 cup, go to google and try and find it, but do me a favor and record you reactions so I can put it on here and have some readers reactions to 2 girls 1 cup. And just for the fun of it look up 4 girls fingerpaint too.

This story just purely pisses me off and makes me wonder what is wrong with the MTV generation today. Ashley Dupre, the girl who is famous for being the High paid prostitute that was sleeping with Eliot Spitzer, the Governor of New York, is in talks to get her own reality TV show.

The pricey prostitute who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer is in talks to do a TV show, according to an online report.

Ashley Dupré, 23, has been negotiating with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment on a reality show, possibly one focusing on her dating men for free, E! News Online reported.

The program would require Dupré to move to the West Coast, E! News claimed.

“They’re talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila,” a source told E!, referring to the singer/Penthouse model who stars in the MTV show, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.”

First off, the show “A shot at Love with Tila Tequila” blows donkey dick. Tila Tequila has less talent in her entire body then I have in the tip of my penis finger. If you don’t believe me, just check out her music here. At least Ashley is hott, Tila, not so much.

One thing Tila has going for her that Ashley doesn’t? SHE WASN’T A F*CKIN PROSTITUTE! Do the people of America understand what that means? SHE WAS PAID TO HAVE SEX! Why would anyone anywhere want to give a hooker her own reality TV show and not at least give me a paid writing position on it. Oh the puns I could come up with.

Hey, at least she puts out.

Considering the question mark in the title, you can tell I am either a bit skeptical or a bit baffled by this story. Supposedly scientists are stating that eating watermelon can have the same effect as taking some viagra.

“The more we study watermelons, the more we realize just how amazing a fruit it is in providing natural enhancers to the human body,” said Dr. Bhimu Patil, director of Texas A&M’s Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center in College Station.

Why has no one told me this? I have always wanted to try viagra, just to see if I could get the 4 hour erection that would make me call my doctor and shout, “YEAH BITCH, 4 HOURS!!!!!”. Now all I have to do is eat a whole thing of watermelon, and boom, 4 hour long schlong right there son.

Basically what it boils down to is there is a nutrient in watermelon that causes your blood vessels to relax, which is what viagra is supposed to do. I don’t really understand how relaxed blood vessels have anything to do with my dingy going up in the wind, but these scientist guys have PHDs so I’ll take their word for it.

There is alot of this crap in the article if you want to read it:

Scientists know that when watermelon is consumed, citrulline is converted to arginine through certain enzymes. Arginine is an amino acid that works wonders on the heart and circulation system and maintains a good immune system, Patil said.

I just prefer to make fun of the stuff I understand, like watermelons can get my wiener hard, for 4 hours.

I wonder if it has the same side effects as well?

So most of you who know me or keep up with this here blog know I had an incident back in May with the law. Something bout stealing a duck or something like that. Well I did not think much of it, until I got this here little letter in the mail.

For those of you who cannot read it, it looks something like this.

RE: Violation

Citation Number S 5964

Case Number

Date 05/03/2008

Balance Due $767.00 (Includes late fee of $200)

Then it basically goes on to tell me that the city of Remerton is going to make me toss their salad if I don’t pay the balance in full in 14 days from the date on the letter. Which really meant I had ten days to pay the letter, or else a bench warrant for my arrest was going to be issued. Now by this time in reading the letter I am trying to control my utter urge to puke and cry, all at the same time. I am by no means rich, and even thought I have made a total of $12.78 from this here blog, that still puts me in the hole a little bit. Just a tad.

Thank God I have connections in law enforcement. A couple days after I recieved this letter, I got another in the mail this weekend.

There are only two words on there that I focused on…CASE DISMISSED. That’s right ladies and gentleman, case dismissed. My balance went from $767.00 to $0.00. But, I must say, I did learn a valuable lesson. A $5.00 lawn duck can end up costing a very drunk person around $767.00. And, since I have now blogged about this and made this public, I am thinking the city of Remerton will somehow bring this back up against me. The things I do for my readers.