12 beers a day

So this guy won American Idol last night. His name is David Cook, and he is about to be the next Taylor Hicks/Rueben Studdard. Do they people who run this show realize that so far the most successful male singer from this show was Chris Daughtry who wasn’t even in the top 5 I don’t think. Always, always, pick a winner with a vagina. At least if she can’t sing she can do Playboy and be rich and hoeyful for life.

Roll that beautiful bean footage…

Ed. Note - I don’t watch this crap, so this is the first, and most likely the only clip, I will ever see or hear of this guy singing.

This your Hollywood catchup. Basically, nothing interesting is going on in the world today that I can poke fun at, so I am here to help you keep up with the gossip that is what we all know as Hollywood.

“I do…like poo”

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got married. For those of you who do not recognize those names, that would be Hottie Jessica Simpson’s sister, and that guy that plays in that band called “Fall out boy”. I didn’t know these two were dating until like two weeks ago, where I am presuming that Ashlee Simpson found out she got pregnant by him which in turn made her crazy ass manager dad Joe Simpson threaten to kill every human being within 100 yards unless Pete agreed to marry her, thus sparking a emo/lip synching wundercouple to be formed in the form of Ashlee and Pete. I think I remember from that show 2 guys a girl and pizza place. Google it.

**Sidenote - Ashlee did learn from her big sister’s mistake though, and made that bitch sign a prenup. Which actually kind of baffles me, because unlike her sister, I don’t think Ashlee is the breadwinner in this family. Oh well. Marry me Jessica.

“Drip drip drip”

R&B singer R. Kelly is starting his long legal battle today in his child-porn case. I can see how this is really big news since this story actually broke like 5 years ago. How is it that someone can be VIDEOTAPED having SEX with and UNDERAGE girl, have that EVIDENCE leaked onto the INTERNET for ALL the world to SEE, and somehow it takes FOREVER to put him on trial. How does he expect to get out of this? I’m pretty sure he will testify today and his statements will be as follows:

R.Kelly: That ain’t me.

Judge: Well, why didn’t you just say so, your free to go rub on her booty, boooooty, booooboooboooooty!

Now that you know how it is going to play out in court, go run out and buy his new hit single, poo on my pee pee, or check it on his myspace page!

Come on now, did you think I was serious?

I am actually really looking forward to this movie coming out, mostly because Ironman plays a white man who is playing a black man in a movie. Got that? Watch the preview perv.

Just to clarify, I was laying on the floor because it was cold and felt great on my body.

I am pretty fuckin’ retarded hungover right now. My weekend = rocked. You know what that means? It means I am awesome and you love me and want to have my kids. I want a boy, or I will kill you. Simple. You do what I say or I kill you. Any questions?

By the way, I am joking. I am thinking of pursuing a career in stand-up comedy because I love laughing, and regardless of whether people laugh at me or not, I still laugh, so the night will be great for me. In other words, you should laugh at me, because I am awesome and hilarious, and have the biggest nipples you have ever seen in your life. Seriously, that’s what she said. Who is this she, by the way?

Things I learned this weekend: I should not drink on Sundays. I should call in sick when I have been drinking on Sundays. I want some rice right now. Kayaking is way more fun when doing it with an awesome person in the same kayak. Losing sunglasses is way easier to handle when they are not expensive. I hate mondays, hence the name of this post.

Celebrities are on a roll this week and 12beersaday.com is helping you keep up with the raucous lives of your fav hott people.

The woman with the greatest lips ever created by God is pregnant with Twins by the man with the coolest persona in Hollywood. Angelina Jolie appeared at the Cannes Film festival this past week with a large belly. Large because she has TWO buns in the oven, one of which is mine I am pretty sure.

She is at Cannes promoting her new animated movie “Kung Fu Panda”, which also stars Jack Black as a panda…who knows kung fu, hence the title of the move. Here is the trailer…

“I am a kung fu panda, who likes fried chicken”

Everyone’s favorite songstress is also back in the news, well she pretty much stays in the news, but Britney Spears has reportedly taken a trip to Costa Rica with the drunken tirade that is known as Mel Gibson. No no no, they are not alone on the impromptu vacation, Britney’s dad and Mel’s wife also tagged along, making it that much harder for them to get drunk and have forgettable sex on the beach, “I got sand in my Britney!”.

What a hott couple that would make. I can see the headlines now, “The Passion of Britney and Mel”, or “Sign: Britney and Mel”, or better yet “Britney and Mel: What the F*CK?!”. How in the hell are magazines not lining up for my witty titles and comedic genius? It baffle the mind obi-wan.

This story broke yesterday and still has no proof from either party involved, but for my fantasies at night I am going to assume that these two are partying in splitsville.

According to US magazine, partying in splitsville can be quite hard on the liver…

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Where is my invitation to all this break-up drinking? I am a great rebound. You don’t even have to call me afterwards, or cuddle, just one and done and I am on the road until next time. Although there is always a next time because I like to go down on girls, and punch them in the taint! So they never ask me to do it again. (Yes, I stole that from Dane Cook, bite me.)

We all know Hollywood relationships never last so this is no surprise. How Tony put up with Jessica for this long is beyond me. “Is it chicken or tuna” or whatever the hell that saying was on that show that once was is all I needed to know that this chick better be a great cook (AKA give great head) or she ain’t lasting in my book. Nick never called me back to answer. Douche.

“I know I be sexy, give me a cheeseburger”

Maxim magazine is at it again, suckling on the teet that is Britney Spears.

Speaking of Britney Spears and her reformation, the songstress has successfully strutted her way back onto the Top 20 of Maxim magazine’s Hot 100 list — scraping in at No. 19. Seeing as though our gal didn’t even make the cut last year, we’re pretty proud of how far she’s come.
“… [Britney] still oozes genuine sexiness, and if anyone can make a comeback, it’s her,” a Maxim editor said.

These guys are brilliant when it comes to picking hot women. I know I sure ’nuff am attracted to overweight, chain smoking, kevin federline banging women throughout earth. I think the man over at wwtdd put it best with this quote.

According to Maxim, she’s the 19th hottest woman on earth.  By comparison, Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” is number 81.  That’s right.  Britney is 4 times hotter than Mila Kunis.

That my friend, is blasphemy. Mila even has the decency to show her boobs to us in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, which is a step up from Britney’s patented crotch shot, or as we call it in the streets, “Showing her Britney to us”. I can think of way more then just 18 women who are hotter then Britney, including my attendant at the gas station last night who sold me a losing lottery ticket. Who is picking these lists? Deaf and Blind children? Give me a 100 names in a hat and let me pick them out with my balls after dipping them in wax, and I can do a better job then putting Britney at 19.

At least the top 10 is decent. Or is it?

1. Marisa Miller - SO F’N HOTT.
2. Scarlett Johansson - Hott, but not number 2 hot.
3. Jessica Biel - After her wet underwear scene in Chuck and Larry, I fell in love.
4. Eva Longora - Eh, she married Tony Parker, married people not allowed in top 10.
5. Sarah Michelle Gellar - She is still around?
6. Elisha Cuthbert - She, my friend, is definitley a top fiver. Number 2 in my book.
7. Eva Mendes - Way hotter after her opening sex scene in “We Own the Night”.
8. Christina Aguilera - She is very sexy, and can wail on the mic.
9. Lindsay Lohan - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. No Maxim, bad Maxim.
10. Ashley Tisdale - I had to look this chick up, and she made the top 10. Not cool.

No Megan Fox? Halle Barry? Jessica Alba? All three of this trump at least 3 of those other chicas who made the top 10. I am starting my own magazine, with nothing but what Maxim prints, only mine will be awesome and correct.

I’m not much of a movie review guy, so I am not going to go into details about the cinematic excellence or the directorial mysticism of this movie. All I am going to say is, if you want a good laugh, go see this movie.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is hilarious, more so even then knocked up who was directed and written by Judd Apatow also. I laughed almost throughout the entire movie, and this snippet was no exception.

Go see it, and leave your review here.

First we have to deal with Drew Carey taking over for the never-dying Bob Barker on “The Price is Right”, remember to spay and nuder your cats bitches. Now we have Jimmy Fallon taking over “Late Night” for Conan O’brien.

Maybe it’s just me, but Fallon is not funny. I remember him hosting the MTV movie awards, and he just strikes me as awkward and boring. The only time I laugh at Jimmy Fallon is when he starts laughing during his skits on SNL, which was pretty much a guarantee with any skit he was in, because he can’t seem to help laughing at others to make himself seem somewhat funny.

By the way Conan O’brien will be taking over for Leno on the “Tonight” show, so we can still get our Conan jokes.