12 beers a day

This is for you fans of the show “The Hills”, and for all you guys who like to look at boobies. Audrina Patridge is a “star”, I say that term loosely. And by loosely I mean, she has naked pictures. And by naked pictures, I mean go to wwtdd.com and check them out. Guys you can thank me later, girls, well, you can thank me later to ;).

“One day you could become the Democratic nominee for President.”

The contest winner is nate from natespost.com. I laughed at this, just because I could really see it happening. Thanks for those who participated. And don’t forget to visit natespost.com and let him drop some knowledge on you.

Coming up this weekend, I am going to give some “get laid” advice. For guys and girls. Trust me. It’ll be well worth your time. Or at least you will laugh. Or maybe make fun of me. Either way. Check it out. Do it. This weekend. Bitch.

If you don’t have your brackets in by noon today, and you haven’t joined my contest yet, you miss out on my dough. My green. My bank. My hard earned cash. Really, you should feel ashamed of yourselves. Here I am, offering you money, for doing nothing basically, and you don’t jump at the opportunity. You could never be a hooker. Never.

If you do nothing else today, click this. CHECK IT OUT!

Heather in the sky, with a penthouse. Just pretend your singing “Lucy in the sky with diamonds” while saying that, makes alot more sense that way.

Heather Mills just got PAID. Yes, this news came out yesterday, but I have been to busy promoting my contest to give a damn. (BY THE WAY CLICK HERE FOR THE CONTEST INFO)

D-I-V-O-R-C-E. This is just like winning the lottery for some people, anyone remember Anna Nicole? Bingo. Well you can add Heather Mills to that list now. Some chick I never heard of before this divorce, is now $48.6 million dollars richer. Wow. The best part: SHE ASKED FOR $250 million! All she had to do for that money was say I do, give a little peck in public, and then go home and saddle up on the wrinkly beatle. Not fair. I would have have done him twice for that amount of money, and I’m not even swinging from that side of the plate.

I must now add to my goals in life.

Goals:

1. Start a kick ass blog - check

2. Get laid by Halle Berry and that chick from Transformers, at the same time.

3. Marry a really old rich lady, don’t sign a pre-nup. Take half her money.

I really need to get started on those last two. I’ve been a bit of a slacker.

Vegaswatch has the odds of picking a perfect bracket. Here they are:

1 in 9,565,415,123,568,5123

Odds in beating me:

1 in 500,256,563,456,896,423,458,889,999,666,333,412,489,563

Zilch. Nada. No chance. No shot. No hope. Other words with No. Zero. Ca-put. Bam. Face. Holla. Bye. No sir.

Get the point?

In fact, for those of you who can’t follow my rules for the contest, you have a worse chance. YOU HAVE TO SUBSCRIBE TO MY FEED! I have 1 subscriber and 7 people signed up for the contest. Now, I ain’t no mathematician, but that don’t equal out. So sign up for the feed to be eligible.

And by the way, root for Portland State. They have some HOTT cheerleaders.

Oh, and I got some comments from my “girl” friends that my blog was biased, sexist, only focused towards the male species. I promise my rant on college basketball will be over on Thursday night when the games begin. I promise to crack on guys alot more and maybe even post a picture. One that doesn’t make me homo, and by homo I mean homosexual, or homophobic. There, I said homo for you.

So here.

Don’t tell me that mutha ain’t hot!

In order to be eligible for the contest, you MUST:

CONTEST ALERT CONTEST ALERT CONTEST ALERT 

 I am going to have a NCAA tournament contest. The rules will be as follows: You must have signed up for my feedburner feed, using the handy email subscribe button located in the upper left column. I will have a private group at ESPN.com that I will give out the name and password for. You will go there and register for the group and fill out the bracket. Then come back to this site and leave a comment stating what your team name was, this way I will know who is who. The winner of the contest will get either $25-$50 bucks.

I have filled out numerous brackets over the years. March Madness has become my favorite time of year, outside football season of course. So I am, for lack of a better word, and expert in the area of bracketology. If by expert, you mean dumb-ass, that is.

So here are my tips for you when it comes to picking your bracket to beat me in the contest, rules of which can be found here.

1. If your going to pick an upset in the first round, always make it a 12 seed over a 4 seed.

This is so true. Every year it seems that a 12 seed upsets a 4 seed. No matter how over-matched the 12 seems on paper, they just always seem to want it more. So in your bracket be sure to pick a 12 over a 4, at least one. This is guaranteed.

2. Give some love to the smaller schools, the Butlers, Gonzaga, Drake, Davidson’s. These schools can ball too.

Everyone will pick the Dukes, Indiana’s, North Carolina’s, to make it to the sweet sixteen, but that won’t win your pools. You have to pick the teams no one expects to make it that far. These are usually the smaller schools who don’t have the size to bang with the big boys, but can knock the outside shot down like J.J. Redick with a wiener tied to his pimply back and a fat kid from NC State chasing him. Davidson has one of the best, if not the best, shooter in the NCAA in Stephen Curry. So don’t always count out the small schools. Fact is, they usually shoot the ball better from the outside then the bigger schools.

3. Always pick your bracket when your drunk.

I am honestly telling you this is the best strategy. I usually am sober when I pick my bracket and put too much thought into it, and BAM, I’m screwed after the first round. Being drunk is not only good for your heart, but it takes your feelings out of the equations. That’s why you will sleep with that ugly girl instead of listening to your friends when they tell you not too. Just like you will be able to pick a worse ranked team to pull an upset, then out think yourself out of it. Make sense?

4. Always have at least 1 number 1 seed make the Final Four.

Every year I think, “I have too many number 1 seeds making it too far, I need to re-do”, and every year 2 out of 4 number 1 seeds make the Final Four. That’s 50%. Genius I am. That’s why they are number 1 seeds, people expect them to make a run for the title. Don’t worry if you have all 4 number 1 seeds in the Final Four, it most likely will happen that way.

So there you go. Everything you need to out think me at my own game. If you don’t want to follow these rules, then your probably a smarter person then I am. I mean, an idiot. Yeah, idiot.

Don’t forget about the contest. Here is the link one more time. If you haven’t figured out, I am going to mention the contest 4 times a day till the tourney starts, then you can’t get in. If only one person joins and beats me, then they win. Simple. I’m not gonna back down from no one.

This is why I’m proud to be from the south.

The password is beer for the group. My bad guys. Busy day at work. I keep thinking about all the green beer I get to drink tonight.